Cosmic Reward - ending is destined (5)

Jun 10 Eve
Father, just did Isha Kriya and it was a mind blowing experience equivalent to samyama or IE initiation.

I just start with guru pooja and just continue with Isha Kriya. I was doing about less than 3 minutes of breathing in, "I am not my body", breathing out,"I am not even my mind". My head start to shake non-stop for about 1 min. Then when it stop, I tot to continue the breathing, but immediately a surge of breathe came out from my belly, forcing my stomach to contract and followed by new breathe coming via my mouth. Then my body was shaking, followed by singing and dancing.

I knew my energy went another level up and I noticed everytime I overcome a challenge with Z, the energy increased in me. My tot was how can I let go someone who elevates my energy level.
I wonder whether this is Cosmic Reward for me. Amen.

Called him but he didn't pick up. Can see mind whispering not a good sign.

Father, this is a case of worrying over nothing.
Now I knew why I met boss. She is my mirror in worrying. Worrying is having negative tots of situation whenever things didn't turn out exactly as what we expect. So, perhaps the trick is to change the expectation then.

Suddenly tot of Sadhguru's blogspot.
"You are a mystic when you see life as it is"
"If you cannot, then you are mistake"

Still no call from him after one and half hour. Then I tot instead of worrying about it, why don't I just changed expectation to tomorrow instead.
And besides if he can sleep means he is not worried about it and didn't have to prepare.

A tot came, if he likes me why didn't he fight for me to stay. A reply came he didn't fight cos he tot he is not lovable and u won't stay anyway. Why fight a losing battle.
The same as because I tot I was not lovable and cannot have him, I didn't even fight to have him. I just leave cos I tot I can't have him and that the door is close.
Father, we r two lonely people who thinks we r unlovable. In actual fact we r diamond and lovable.

Just called him and he is still sleeping. That's means he is ok and need not prepare. Father, a tot occurred to me. U need only to prepare if u want to win. He did try yesterday but I dismissed it. The door was open but I keep on thinking it was locked.

A negative tot came in. He is running away. Aiyoh. By now I know Z. Don't have to go that track. Father, I am such a worrier.
Father, him being unreachable cause me to have to change my negative perception or I be worrying unnecessarily and wasting energy.
No wonder he is my Saturn (Seven of Club) and Pluto (Jack of Club) and Cosmic Lesson (Seven of Spade).

Just send him a msg that I won't dare to send previously. I didn't dare to assert my right:
Mmm, bit disappointing that u r sleeping when we supposed to have our chat. :(

Anyway, I m going to sleep now. He is so confident that I stayed. I don't have to take the pill today. I can take 2 tomorrow when we sort out!

(Jun 21 - the timing is amazing. He found out his ex-wife got married and he was so emotional that he went out drinking. He cannot talk to me. This spiral him back to his past.)
Negative tots still come in. But I asserted that he would tell me if he didn't want to continue. Father, I already knew he wanted me. Why tots still coming just because things didn't go as expected? The mind takes every opportunity to make me feel small.

Z is my Cosmic Reward - Nine of Diamond
Giving up things, people or jobs that u once valued highly will bring many blessings and rewards this year. On some level, this is a year to let go of the past and prepare to move on to many new and better things.
Usually we are afraid to let go of things in our life, afraid that the loss will deprive us of something important and essential to our happiness. This is a blessing where u r protected and all completions will bring u greater fortune and happiness.

Soul
No wonder. I told Z that my past with brother is cleared because of me facing and overcome challenges with Z.
And now he is also triggering my long held belief that children is not good for me.