Cosmic Lesson (66) - facing uncertainty head on

Jun 5 Eve

Woke up from afternoon nap, 5.40 pm
Father, my mind said he still didn't reply u. I replied there is nothing to lose. Then u recalled he said he is playing with u, holding himself back. That got a reaction from me and I said yea, why can't he just let us flow. Then I stop myself and said let it be.
He is just unreachable and I am not unlovable. I need to disentangle it.

Evening
Just finished my dinner with family and tots came again about my triggers. First tot is I don't want to go through this bad feeling. Second tot why still got the bad feeling after so long. Its not as if he never reply me before and we are still on.
Then I calmed myself down and just accept the bad feeling, the feeling of insecurity, the feeling of unlovability. It is a happy problem and I will live with it.

Then we adjourned for coffee and when I am done with coffee. I checked my phone, to my surprise there is a reply. Infact he replied to me at 7 pm when I just started my dinner. He just woke up. Instead of feeling stupid and angry at him for giving me the feeling of insecurity. I just feel fine and gave him a reply as there is nothing to lose.

I asked myself why am I reacting? The truth is we have been communicating more recently and getting closer. I was worried he abandon me if I show that I want him for keep.

Father, I think the best way to approach the feeling of insecurity is just to accept it. I now just think of it as a happy problem. Perhaps I should be glad that my tolerance level is so low. That's means I am generally on high side.

Also, tot of what YL said about my impressionability factor. I told her that Z said he knew I exist only half year later. YL said that's is impossible for someone to not see me. I light up the room with my happy presence. She said Z is playing it down.
I also shared that Z observed the fact that I made a sound whenever I talk, especially when I am thinking aloud. I said I now realise he tot about me a lot in order for him to make that observation. She agreed with me.
On Z always asking me how much I like him. She agreed with J that it shows he is not sure of me and is seeking assurance. That's means I may not have given Z the impression that I like him. She said perhaps this is the first time Z encountered a strong career minded lady like me. I said yes, that's true.

Father, at least I am now not angry at Z, not hiding my feeling, not running away from him whenever I feel bad. Its is something I need to face.