Cosmic Reward - beginning of ending (3)

Jun 7 Aft

Father, while I hope for him to come. I didn't expect it.
Surprisingly he said he wanted to come.
Then I just msg that I hope he would come and I miss him.
He said that he knows and wants me to control myself.
I replied just let me be as it would find its level.
I am surprised at myself.
Now I know about the Aloneness card and I understand.
Father, while I want him, I also know I can walk away. But not now, I need to complete my course.

Mmm, is this what YL does. Keep on barking and the answer is No. I told her that at times we got to walk away with pride.

Today card
Venus
Nine of Hearts
Mental disappointment and personal losses on the affectional level.
This is the card of completions in love and ending of one or more key relationships.
If so, it is most likely that these relationships are no longer doing you any good. It is a time for them to end, whether or not u realise this at the time they happen.

When I read this card this morning, I tot not relevant. And here it hit me now.

Just like the card of Aloneness.

Father, I did the Choiceless card and it states about greediness, about proving myself. I also not sure what it meant. But I interpret it as staying.
I went to toilet, I cried. I said I don't want to continue. I can't continue.
Then I did transformation card. Its also about greed, to prove ourselves, don't care about results - looks like I am to go. But the drop the Past caught me.
I really don't know.
My mantra is Nothing to Lose. Actually maybe it now meant dropping him is Nothing to Lose. He is not offering me anything. I have come so far and there is nothing else to collect.
My only tot was for him to open my door. But perhaps I am too greedy.
Why focus on results? I had the courage to come so far. Perhaps this is the ending. I need not prove myself. Just like YL, the msg is to Walk Away.
There is nothing else to gain. He is not offering me anything. I have love to share but he doesn't want it and instead ask me to cap it.

Father, guide me.