Cosmic Reward - beginning of ending (5)

Jun 8
He msg me around midnite:
Hi if u not comfortable with me..I do not want stop u run away..end of day the decision is with u..may be I bad guy haa !

My reply to him:
Sorry, when I m sad, I can't talk cos I m afraid I might cry. I admit defeat and I am not as strong as u, I have feelings for u. Its sad to be reminded everytime I can't have u.

Father, yea. I finally admitted my feelings to him. I also told him I am sad.

Now reading the msg and realised that he tot I am running away becos he is a bad guy. And he said he is staying put. He has no intention of abandoning me.

On the contrary, I am running away because he is a good guy and I want him. First tot was to tell him that but I stopped myself. Let me take care of my sadness first.
Aiyah, he is sad I am leaving. He tot I left him because he is bad guy. He really tot he was unlovable and no wonder he keep on seeking reassurance.

Anyway, my msg already said I wanted him but it was him that said I cannot have him.

We r both the same, two lovely persons who thinks that we r unlovable.

Father, I know my skin irritation is gone. I have released my pent up emotion and make my confession to Z. There is nothing lost. He now knows that I wanted him for keep.

Father, a tot came to me. I reacted yday because here I was holding my sadness because he doesn't want me long term. And he had the gall to tell me to keep it up. I then exploded to anger. I reacted because I tot I am unlovable and therefore I need to run now before he abandon me in future. Who knows, with my menses, the pent up emotion exploded. So, now he finally knows. Whenever he asked me how long I plan to be with him. I ignore his question because I was afraid he didn't like my answer.

Aiyoh, suddenly had vision of us kiss and make up over this blow up. We were hungry for each other. We survived our second major fight.
The first time was when I just left Singapore. I wanted to run but he won't let me.
This second time he did try to make me stay. But at night, he said he won't stop me and its up to me to decide if our rship is on or off.

Fact;
We both want each other.
I want him for keep. He want me for short term.
I am falling in love with him. He just like me only. He doesn't want to fall in love with me.

Father, I am not afraid to lose face. I am not afraid to lose him. This is me. If he doesn't want me, he can just go. I just want to be true to my feelings, whatever it may be. Even my feelings are not advantageous, not smart to me, they are my feelings.