Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (4)

Jun 15

Today I finished my practice earlier at 6.16 am. I then lie down and promptly slept for half an hour. I dream that I was running to go home but road is changed and I can't find my way home and there is no transportation. I changed into a big white mamal that runs very fast. Then as I was running I saw another mamal and I got bit afraid. Later I received a call from my brother that my mother was searching for me and I felt calmer and then I woke up.

This is a weird dream. But for the first time when I can't move, I changed myself into a transporter.

Suddenly tot of Z. He doesn't know what's his issue. I know, its communication. He doesn't know how to express his feeling.
If he has just said, "I like u a lot and I don't want us to end. But I cannot give the commitment u need now."
"I was badly hurt and scarred and I need time to recuperate. I am not ready for rship but unexpectedly I found u. I don't want to lie and say I am ready cos I am not but I really like u and enjoy being with you. Eventhough I cannot give u commitment but I only have u. So, please stay on. Give me some time. "

I may have stayed if he were to tell me that.

Its because he doesn't express his feeling that I have to go.

Father, we didn't end well.

Tot of saying this so we both knows: I msg him.
You hang up on me last time and until now still has not call me. Does this means u have decided that there is no more to talk and we are now off or u still need more time to think?
Btw, I ignored u last Sunday becos I was miffed at u for not calling me back and yet expect me to feel good.

This is not trying but I don't want to leave any regrets, any uncertainty.
So, on one hand I can say I am trying. So what, I want him. On the other hand I am trying becos I think m lovable and there is a chance.

Issue
Past Lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
This is a wake up call; the events in ur life are trying to show u a pattern as ancient as the journey of ur own soul

Soul
Father. What I know is that Z wants me and I know he can't change his plan yet. I don't know the future if we r able to compromise on our goals. But I want him now and I want us to have a normal rship. I want him to be with my family.
Actually, looking back. Things were going well, until he put the spanner block. Again, perhaps is his communication mode. And of course, I reacted full time.
What I know is both of us are lovable, but we didn't know. I tot I was unlovable becos of the past. He tot he is unlovable becos of his many experiences. And of cos, he should be more afraid than me. I remember saying I admire his courage to try again despite so many failures. And the thing is all the gals who dumped him was previously crazy about him. So, he doesn't believe in feelings anymore. Actually his problem is because he is unable to express his feelings. Whereas, I can express well becos I am open and not afraid to be vulnerable.

Father, have messaged him but no immediate reply.

My card for today is Three of Diamond, to express myself
His card today is Nine of Heart, emotional disappointment and personal losses.
So, looks like it could be OFF then.

Hey, who knows. Perhaps it could be our old rship of touch and go is off but new relationship is on.
Father, I am glad I am now having positive tots instead. For that I thank Z.
I am also happy that I still include him in my prayer despite our current situation. Anyway, whatever the outcome, I am glad to have been with him.

Father, I now knew that Z is not an arrogant bastard


(June 22 - While I am affirming our ending, but I still have him in my prayer.)