Cosmic Reward - benefits from ending (5)

Jun 18 Aft
Just woke up after nap. Tot of Z and I just repeat my mantra;
I am releasing myself from a relationship that was good but has now outlived its purpose. I set myself free for better relationship.

Then a tot came, I definitely need this break up, if I am to advise others to do so.

(Jun 27 - met 2 persons who also going thru the drama to break up. M is on professional and S is on personel/professional)

Jun 18 Eve
Now at orchestra. Of course, tot of Z as I came with him last time. I know why he can't be open with me cos I am in Isha. He is worried he cannot recover from me as he will go to Isha monthly. Its not becos of Isha is more important than me but its becos I am in Isha. And he would not be able to recover.
Great, another positive tot to affirm my lovability.

A alternative tot, he is ok with u in Isha. He just want to hide it. Then a positive tot came, that's because if others knew about us and we broke up. He would need to 'delete' them too.

Father, can feel sadness coming in. Every day, reaching the nighfall and I felt hope is gone. He won't change his mind.

(Jun 26 - the sadness is reducing.)

I just cleared away all the msg chats. Father, guide me through this. I was looking at the publishing doc and looks like it require loads of hard work in self promotion and marketing and I have to be at forefront. That's means I have to step out to the front. I am not sure if I can do that as that will means me putting up myself for scrutiny. When I am anonymous, I can write whatever I want. But if I need to open up, then I have to curtailed.
Father, not sure why?? But suddenly something click on these opening up of Z. But still not sure what it is.

Why am I afraid to open up to the world on my writing?
I am afraid to be judged. I am afraid if they find me not good. I am afraid friends knows about me and my life. I am afraid then it is me that has to face failure. People will know that I failed. People may laughed at me for wanting something out of reach. I am afraid I cannot be as open as before and need to curtailed. What if friends doesn't want to be with me since I write about them.

Suddenly a tot occurred to me, his fear of opening up has nothing to do with me personally.

Father, there is a mirror here.
He cannot open himself/me up to others.
I cannot open myself/my writing up too.

I cannot open up because I only tot of failure. Reading the publishing guide, I will fail as a writer if I don't open up.

Father, let me use Z as a mirror. I want to open up. I don't want to be like Z. By not opening up, I lost him.
Me, by not opening up, people can't have me. They can't have their minds enlighten.

Father, there is something here. Guide me.
I know I need to open up before I can be a published transforming writer. I know I need to open up before I can be a successful transforming agent.
Father, Z is so afraid he can't move. I don't want to be like him. Guide me.

Z hide me
I hide my writing