Cosmic Reward - beginning of recovery (2)

Jun 14

Father, was sleepy today and such a long traffic jam. I got into slight accident. My car is ok. The other lady I think ok also. Hope she be like me when I was bumped from behind.
Suddenly tot of Six of Diamond, payment of value.

1. The Issue
Past lives
The real point is to see and understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in and endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.
This is a wake up call; the events in ur life are trying to show u a pattern as ancient as the journey of ur own soul

Soul
Father, not sure. Only thing I can think of its the unlovability issue. But this time I know I am lovable and that's why I end it. And I know he wants me but I don't fit into his plan. He doesn't really fit into mine either. But I was willing to compromise because I want him and I cannot be sure if the next guy doesn't want the same thing. I guess I compromise cos I tot there is none other coming. And I really enjoy him and him too. But I am not like him, I cannot compartmentalise.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Totality
Developing the knack of being total in responding to whatever comes, as it comes, is one of the greatest gifts u can give yourself. Taking one step through life at a time, giving each step ur complete attention and energy, can bring a wondrous new vitality and creativity to all that u do.

Soul
I wasn't total today and bumped into another car. I was sleepy.
Also tot of just focused on the ending with Z, instead of dreaming about possible future with him. This would only keep me holding on.
Have to snap out of this. Just know Z is fixed to his plan and don't take this personally.

3. External influence of which u r aware
Adventure
Insecurity is the only way to grow, to face danger is the only way to grow, to accept the challenge of the unknown is the only way to grow
Whenever we move into the new and unknown with the trusting spirit of a child, innocent and open and vulnerable, even the smallest things of life can become the greatest adventure.

Soul
I really want him. He has open up so many of my doors. We had so much fun together. I am worried I can't find another that can clique so well. When C call me, the first thing I tot of was the closeness that Z and I had.

Suddenly tot of Z. It would be best not to call me cos I would either talk of separation or going public. Both of which he doesn't want. He is in a survivor mode.

Anyway, ending is destined. So, I met and open up and now time to move on. I don't know what will happen in future. P is right, the old me would not dare to break it off cos worry I can't find another one. But the new me, wants more, wants a normal relationship. I want to be happy.

4. What is needed for resolution
The Master
The whole works of meditation is to make u aware of all that is "mind" and disidentify yourself from it. That very separation is the greatest revolution that can happen to man.
Now u can do and act on only that which makes u more joyous, fulfills u, give u contentment, make ur life a work of art.

Soul
I just realised what I had Z was pleasurable companionship. While we did open up our darkest secrets to each other, we didn't grow because no commitment. So, there is no rship. So, nothing lost and just remember what I have gained.

5. The Understanding
Friendliness
First meditate, be blissful, then much love will happen of its own accord. Then being with others is beautiful and being alone is also beautiful
U relate; as long as things are moving beautifully, u share.
And if u see that the moment has come to depart because ur paths separate at the crossroad, u say goodbye with great gratitude for all that the other has been to u, for all the joys and all the pleasures and all the beautiful moments u have shared with the other.
With no misery, with no pain, you simply separate.

True friends, mature, easy with each other, natural. There is no urgency, no neediness, no desire to change the other into something else.

U r no longer interested in all kinds of drama and romances that other people engaged in. It is not a loss. It is the birth of a love that is truly unconditional, without expectations or demands.

Soul
Yea. Just remember my Top 5 and my rship with Z cannot be there.