Mars in Libra - mind working overtime

Mar 6 afte
Father, I was updating my blog and saw this in Mars in Libra
Conscious expression
Actively, responsibly and directly initiating social interaction on the basis of personal integrity. When u asked others what it is they want from the rship and honestly share what u want, u r then able to create harmony based on truth. Then u gain energy by experiencing yourself as the source of harmony or disharmony.

Soul
As I read this, I knew I never practice it with Z.
In the beginning, Z tries to dictate it but I reacted negatively and wants to break up. So, he stops telling me. I told him that I do my way, and he can do what he wants. I told him I just want to love him and he can do what he wants but don't stop me.
I did state what I want but he keep reiterate that's not what he wants. But each time I go back to him and we got back together.
Then I stop asking and he stop saying. We both avoid it. I avoid it because I can't lose him. He avoid it cos he wants to enjoy my companionship.
Mmm, don't look too good. Well, I now state I love him but I don't want to be with him in an uncommitted rship. I m fine loving him at an altar till the unrequited love lapse on its own.

Mmm, mind is working overtime. Just go thru it. Do the altar. It took me so long to find the answer. As Krishna said, the path is not easy but that's the right way to live. One day at a time. Just because I may see him doesn't mean I should depart from my path. Like Krishna said, stay and face it courageously.

When I read my Osho card this week, I knew something is up. I knew its on Z and I tried to suppress my feelings so I need not faced the Outsider card.   Anyway, it's here. Like Sadhguru said, even if u know the ending, u still got to play. And to play well. Our life is to make it worthy, not to run.

1. Issue
Totality
When u r not total, whenever u r in the head --thinking, brooding, calculating, cunning, clever - u r not total. Slowly, slowly slip out of those moments. It is just an old habit.  Old habits does hard.

Take one step through life at a time, gives each step ur complete attention and energy, can bring wondrous new vitality and creativity to all that u do.

Soul
I was feeling rushed about Isha matters and also of being a guide and of course Z.

2. Internal influence
Morality
Awareness cannot do anything that is bad. That is the ultimate beauty of awareness.

Soul
True. I stop judging and listen to S, K and C. I didn't react to them and address them individually and got them on good terms and keep the team.
So, how not to judge myself over Z.

3. External
The Outsider
Whenever we feel left out or excluded, it brings up this feeling of being a small, helpless child. It is our childhood experience.
U have an opportunity to stop the tape, to quit tormenting yourself with ideas that u r somehow 'not enough' to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past, and let go of the old pain. It will bring u clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become

Soul
Yes, was triggered by Z. Despite knowing I be triggered, I was so happy and just love him. Just got to continue to play even though the ending seems to look bad.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Innocence
Zen says if you drop knowledge - and within knowledge, everything is included : ur name, ur identity, everything, because this has been given to u by others.
If u drop everything, u will have a totally different quality to ur being: ur innocence.
Innocence of a life lived fully has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the ever changing wonder of life

Soul
Just love Z facing him directly. Even if he has rejected me, just love him. Don't run away in fear, nothing more to hide, nothing more to defend, nothing more to be afraid. I have been there.

Resolution
Slowing Down
The essence of being at ease. Do whatever u r doing, but at the deepest core remain at ease, cool, calm, centered.

Just like the tortoise, we carry our home with us wherever we go. Even as we moved into the depths of emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachments.
It is time u r ready to let go of any expectations u have had about yourself or other people.

Soul
I can't seem to take Z's answer of No. Alas, maybe now I m ready and that's why I m meeting him. Another one month to go. Really don't want to drag this till mid July.
Who knows, he may bring his future wife so that I truly let go. Bit sad. But never mind. I be good by second half of the year. Now just need to play along. Main thing my health, no more suppression, no more defenses. Amen

I can say tough lesson, have to continuously give love to a man who can't accept. But on second tot, that shows I have loads of love to give and I am full of love, then. Amen.