Z and I both protecting our own values

Mar 6
Just finished my practices. I did Suria Namaskara with awareness, didn't shift my position. And I noticed that I will then stay put in my original position. Also, my mountain pose is not in line as I tot.
Shakti and Shambavi were fine. Ended with my prayer of thanks to Father, Masters, Vijii, Thillai, Z and myself. I just love Z and myself too.

No response from Z but then I didn't expect also. But it's good, at least I know my feelings are clear. I need not hide from him and neither do I need to approach him. He just wants me to leave him alone, which is something I can do. I can then just savour the night as if he is not here. Yes, his marriage looks imminent. But my happiness looks imminent too.
This morning when I woke up I tot, that having children is so important to Z and hence will be for me too. Now I know why I have many Eight of Diamonds who are fixed in their values and can't allow changes. I now admit I too am fixed in certain values such as having responsibility over children and  volunteer team.
I can't say I love volunteering but at least I knew the joyful feeling of togetherness working towards something we all values. A feeling of togetherness. For the first time looking at the pleasure instead of price to pay. For the first time understand why my mom goes through what she did with us.
This is the story. Thanks to Z and Isha.

Father
Just checked Z card and saw Nine of Hearts. First tot was ending with me. Second tot, he may decide not to turn up for Maha after my msg. All tots are so negatives, as if I m so unlovable.
I then stop myself. I don't believe this. I will check tarot instead.

Just did Osho, relationship cards
1. Me
Healing -
Nobody is interested in hurting u, nobody is positively waiting to hurt u. Everybody is safeguarding his own wound. But still it happens as u r so ready to be wounded.
Be aware of ur wound. Don't help it to grow. Let it be healed. And it will heal only when u moved to the roots. Live a headless life.

Soul
me, being wounded. Finally has to face Z upfront. I must be ready then. It is not Z response, it is because of my lack of confidence in myself that I took Z non response as a reflection of my lovability. Just remember a non response may just be they can't give me a positive response.

2. Z
The lovers - from sex to love to compassion. Begin to understand our partner often functions as a mirror, reflecting unseen parts of our deeper self  and supporting us become whole.

Soul
Who knows, the Nine of Heart could be an ending of his way of perceiving love.
Him realising love is real. Love is inspite of his aloofness.

3. Composite
The Miser
Things are not ur target, u, ur innermost being, is the target. Not a beautiful house, but a beautiful u; not much money but a rich ; U, an open being, available to a million of things.
This card challenges us to what we are clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable it needs to be protected by a fortress.
It needn't be a big bank balance or a box full of jewel - it could be something as simple as sharing our time with a friend, or taking the risk of expressing our love to another. Whatever u r holding on to, remember that u can't take it with u. Loosen ur grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness can bring.

Soul
He is protecting his value of having a family. Me, protecting my ego after being ignored for so many rounds. Now that he ignored me again, I want to ignore him during the meet too. This doesn't go with my resolution to place an altar of love for Z.

I recalled one time I said that since my issue is unlovablity. I had to face such a situation of being unloved, rejected until one day I no longer need it to learn my lesson that I m loveable.

Suddenly a tot came. Z issue is unable to accept love and hence he is given so many women who loves him. Each of us love him but he can't accept and in the end indirectly push us away. All the opportunities is for him to learn to accept love.

My case, I tot I m unlovable and keep on attracting men who doesn't love me. The day I can learn my lesson that I m truly loveable, my lesson ends. Well, I can see that I m loveable now. I know I m still facing my wound.

4. Insight
Adventure
Danger will be there, sacrifice will be there; u will be moving every day into the unknown, into the uncharted and there will be no map, no guide. Yes, there are millions of dangers and u can go astray and u can get lost, but that is the only way to grow.

Insecurity is the only way to grow. To face danger is the only way to grow, to accept the challenge of the unknown is the only way to grow.
When we are truly in a spirit of adventure, we are moving just like this child. Full of trust, out of darkness of the forest into the rainbow of the light, we go step by step, drawn by our sense of wonder into the unknown.

Soul
Me, continue to love him. Be loving to him at the meet too. Thanks for the msg