Mental drama over Z - fear of rejection arise

Mar 13 eve
Did my Shoonya and Samyama. Feel clean and good.
Just had a 45 minutes phone call with S. Father, hearing S talked about her rship brought fear to me. We are so attached to our partner. Why is it us that have to beg for the rship to continue? 
I told S, her solution is simple. She already knew she can't let go, so next step is to accept the rascal that's him.

Bit disturbed tonight. Also, the thunderbolt card I received is not helping. I just want the next 2 weeks to pass.

Thunderbolt
U might be feeling pretty shaky right now, as if the earth is rocking beneath your feet. Your sense of security is being challenged and the natural tendency is to try to hold on to whatever you can.

Soul
It has been awhile since I felt this fear. This fear of being rejected.

Just did my Osho rship card. Yea, must not let my old fear rule me. As long as I love me, I Am fine.

I called Z and the pressures is released. He was online but didn't pick up. At least I call. Mmm, the feeling of being unlovable has reduced. I can see he deliberately avoided my call. So, what. Me, just a missed call. Nothing compare to S's onslaught of messages. And there is no suffering. Some disappointment. Bit of sadness but I am fine.

Just focus on my breathing.
Just continue to build an altar. It will pass. Main thing is no suppression. Amen.

Father, suddenly a tot came on my new name. I was still hesitant. Yea, maybe time to do it. Tomorrow meeting website designer.

Mmm, don't have to wait till month end for the dismal hope to be dashed. It is dashed today. He is a tough case. Let me not be disappointed. Perhaps God has other plans for me. I will stay positive. Amen. I deliberately look at his pix and just feel my love for him.

Osho
Awareness is the purest energy ever known. The subtlest energy through yoga, through meditation is awareness, consciousness. So, when u r awaken totally, u r not aware of this awakening, u become aware of being blissful.
All intoxicants are harmful for the awareness body.

Soul
Kudos to me for not listening to my fear. I just play. No longer wants to listen to all the negative and judgmental tots about myself.
Bit sad now and feeling tired. Now going back to sleep. Amen.