Focus on problem gets me stuck - can't flow

Jan 2 eve

Suddenly a tot strikes me. I felt breathless.

When I was with Z. I keep on saying we can't be together because he wanted children whereas I don't want.
Z asked me since day one and continuously on my stand on children. Everytime I said nope or ignored his question.
In the end we broke up. I only blame him but I didn't see that its because I keep on saying nope to having children that makes him pull out in the end as having a family is very important to him. Even that was me breaking it off. After one and half years he tot no point to pursue cos I won't change my mind.
I knew I will lose him if I don't change my mind about having children.
Only after we broke off I was willing to relent. By then it was too late; he already found someone on the rebound.
For the first time I see how I contributed towards us splitting up.
And I have mourned for our relationship. It took me one year to get over him. It was with regrets. Regrets that I didn't change my mind earlier on the children thingy.

Now, this age this is holding me up with Y. I keep on saying I can't. As I don't want to feel insecure when we are old. I don't want the society and family to see us negatively.

The question is; would I regret if I give up Y?
Answer is YES.

So instead of keep on saying we can't happen because of age. Why don't I let go of this age thingy and remind myself that I prefer to handle the age thingy than to lose him.

Yes, I now realised. Just as Z was up to me to lose. Same thing for Y too. It is up to me to lose.

Father, I now know why romantic relationships didn't happen. It is because I have been saying NO all my life.