Y said no to me...and I m going back to my shell

Jan 8
Woke up and something bothering me. Then I realised I didn't convey my tots to Y yesterday.

This is supposed to be my message to Y.
We just finally declared we both fallen for each other. And u suddenly got overseas posting
While I know we be okay cos we both are independent and loyal. I m feeling bit uncertain and want to knows your future plan for us.
That's why I was expecting your call so I know your tots.

Just messaged him. He said he doesn't understand my message.
He said he misunderstood him..he meant that we are spiritual partner..not partner
So sad, he apologised for making misinterpreting him.


Father, yea he is clinging to the past. The transformation card is for me. Glad I got this over with. At least this year I won't be sad over anyone in this new year.

Mmmm, focus on my goal. My husband and I are going to Kailash this year.

Sang guru pooja feels good. Did 5 cycle of Surya Kriya and towards the end laughing. Breathing was good. Shakti was good. I m able to focus despite the floating tots. After Shakti I was singing. Shambavi was good. Just now just sat in arashidharna in contented silence.

Looking at my Osho cards again.
1. Issue
Trust life
If u trust, only then u can drop ur knowledge, only then can u put ur mind aside. And with trust something immense opens up.
We just jump with hardly a tot for what happens next. The leap is the thing.

Soul
I did jump. I declared to Y that I fallen for him. He gave me complex message. He did it because he don't want to lose me as a friend. Even just now when I say goodbye he was reluctant to let go. I told him in future. Mmm, he too be off for overseas posting so he be gone la for next 6 months. By then I definitely be fine. All in all it took me 6 months to let go of Z. The 14 months was because I was waiting for him.

2. Internal influence that u are aware
Ordinariness
Sometimes it happens that u become one. Suddenly u forget ur split, ur schizophrenia; u relax.
U r facing a time now when this easy, natural and utterly ordinary approach to the situations u encounter will bring better results than any attempt on ur part to be brilliant, clever or otherwise extraordinary. The special gift u have to offer now is presented best by just taking things easily and simply, one step at a time.

Soul
Yday I declared. Today I clarify.  Today I end with Y.

3. External influence
Letting Go
The innocent person is one who has renounced fighting; who is no longer interested in being higher.
To choose this card is a recognition that something is finished, something is completing. Whatever it is - a job, a relationship, a home u have loved.
It is time to let go of it, allowing any sadness but not trying to hold one. Something greater is awaiting you; new dimensions are there to be discovered. U r past the point of no return. Go with it - it represent liberation.

Soul
Yesterday I tot is me letting go of my fear of vulnerability.
I did wonder the part rship but I ignored it. Looks like it is really true. Ending with Y romantically.
Finally able to ask the other party if the feeling is mutual instead of holding on.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Just like the tortoise, we carry our home with us wherever we go. There is no need to seek shelter elsewhere.
Even as we moved to the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachments.
It is time when u are ready to let go of expectations u have had about yourself or other people and to take responsibility for any illusions you might have been carrying. There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who u are right now.
Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and u are able to welcome this development in a way u have never been able to before. Savour this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognising that u are already at home.

Soul
Just now when Y wanted us to stay on as friend. I knew I couldn't and say no to him. I no longer want to nurture others without nurturing myself first.

5. Resolutions
Possibilities.
Don't be content easily. Those who remain content easily remain small. The smallness is ur own imposition upon ur freedom, upon ur unlimited possibilities, upon ur unlimited potential.
Because u have grown more loving towards yourself, more self contained, u can work easily with others.

Soul
Let's see. This morning I did think of Y lack of nurturing. I also tot of preferring a partner that has times for us. No longer want to have long distance partner.
Guess Y being off means I still can have hope for alternatives.