Rebellesociety - acceptance of messiness by Patrick Linder

Jan 9 aft

Just deleted the message from Y. He needs me more than I need him. In this spiritual path I have walked since 1999.

 I m sure in my value. I no longer want to be sideline. I no longer want a long distance relationship. I no longer want to wait for my partner to be ready.

I am ready and I want a partner that is ready too.

Rebellesociety
Beautiful mess by Patrick Linder
Whitman understood this – that life, art and emotion are inherently messy. This acceptance of messiness has been my turning point. I now embrace that I have a messy soul, mind and heart. They are filled with joy, and filled with defeat. They bounce between success and failure, tears of happiness and tears of sadness, earth-shaking love and underworld-shivering loneliness. Containing multitudes means not just embracing different facets of the good; it also means accepting the faults and failures.
The reason I could not do this before? I could not sit calmly in the mess. I never understood that beauty develops precisely because of, not despite, the fractures we experience.

Soul
Me now just sits in the mess.
I am no longer the child.

Rebellesociety
Beautiful mess by Patrick Linder
Mr. Whitman, thank you. I do indeed contain multitudes. I am living, moving, growing, evolving. I am constantly repainting my soul. Mr. Picasso, I have come to love my fractured beauty. The hurts and mistakes, joys and loves have made a unique pattern on my heart. I am learning to sit in the pain, luxuriate in the love. We all have stained glass souls, beautiful precisely because of that unique interplay of contradictory emotions, motives, loves and regrets.
Once I understood this, I was able to forgive myself. This does not mean that there is no pain. There is. There will be tears, there will be mistakes. And there will also be smiles and soul-laughter and love. That is how it works. There is no need to deny or tear out from myself the parts I have not liked in the past. You cannot do that anyway.

I have moved from Whitman to Picasso to, finally, Popeye: “I yam what I yam.”
I am the base materials for living a life of love. That starts with me. I have a new acceptance of my self, warts and wounds included. I am. I grow. I am growing.
My stained-glass, cubist soul contains multitudes and competing viewpoints and contradictions and it is messy. Painting your way through life always is. It is not just slapping on some color. Done properly, it is not as much covering up as it is repairing, adding to, and building upon what is underneath.


Soul
Suddenly I tot that's how I was with Z. I was afraid of losing him so I hang on being sideline. And in the end, truly sidelined.

Father I do miss Y but I miss more being a the main star. That's what I truly want. No longer settle for second or third best. Alas the door is opened.