I am not as confident as I tot I am ...so humbling

Jan 23
Father, I think I slept around 11 plus after reading the part of me fearing rejection. Slept straight off. I was quite disturbed at it. Looks like it is not only fear of rejection from romantic partner but from others as well. This is the follow up from my insight that I don't like to lose approval already received. And a tot occur to me, I don't seek approval perhaps I m even worried of not getting it.
Just like if I feel someone is not accepting of me, I will ignored him.

That is also why I have not been able to publicise my work. Firstly, I don't think I can get approval from unknown people and then I worry may lose approval already gained. Double whammy, cannot move.

Even yday, asking for discount from the unknown web designer, and I got bit worry that there were no response. Why? I guess I tot he was my last designer since all the rest pulled out. I got the office designer who is willing to give me good price and yet I m worried about exposure to office colleagues and lose my standings.

This morning, I tot why so 'low', so insecure that I even feared rejection from unknown. I used to think I m secure and confident but now I can see I m not. Confidence level is highest in work and deteriorate from frienfs to lover.
But no worries on families.
Father, I m such a fake. What I tot I am, what I tot have in terms of security, good communications, confidence, happy go lucky, good money making, are all just illusions.
Even the rship I tot I had with Z is also an illusions.
Father, I m left with nothing.

A tot came, u know u got joy. U can then start afresh.

Now know what this week Osho cards is about.
1. Issues
Projections.
A projection can be devilish or divine, disturbing or comforting, but it is a projection nonetheless - a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is. The only way out is to recognise the game.
When u find a judgment arising in another, turn it around. Does what u see in others really belong to u? Is ur vision clear or clouded by what u want to see?

Soul
I used to meet all those types of people, but it turns out, I m one of them.
At least, I now see my envy on C and now try to emulates her instead of judging her.