Stop fighting my love for Z...let it flow naturally

Feb 4 Eve

Just had the best meal in my life. But I wish Z is here with me.
Logically, there is no reasons for me to hope. But somehow, I do, after the pix he sent me.

Not sure why but Mz walking out on me give me some tots about myself. I also tend to black out when I m upset. I generally don't want any communications and will block out the contact by changing their name. But I have never barred calls like what Mz did. I know she is hurting but she really self jeopardise herself.

Part me wonder about my goodbye mail a week after he send the pix. I don't want to have any hope and ends it. And I tot volume 3 ends but alas it was corrupted and I need to recompile.
Not sure why. But I think I may have pre empted my goodbye.

Suddenly an idea to check my Osho cards which I got last Wed. I knew I couldn't relate to it cos I have done my part.

I then saw the resolution, Fighting.
I m not like Mz. I fight not openly aggressive, I fight by suppressing my feelings. Both of us also try to control the unwanted situation. She does it by running off angrily. Me, by suppressing my hurt, by pretending I don't care, by going off nicely.

I fight by pretending Z no longer matters to me. Actually he does. I love him. I haven't stop. Why pretend, why set up an armour?

What is unwanted, is me loving Z despite being unwanted by him, despite knowing he is going to marry someone. I wanted to remove my love. I can't. At least not now.
Don't suppress my love. If I feel loving, just express. I m not expecting anything but at least I let my love for him ends naturally instead of trying to force quit.

Really see the mirror in Nine Of Diamonds in Mz. Now I know what Z feels by my 'fighting'.

I have really jumped. I found courage to let myself express sadness. I didn't die, sadness once expressed ease off.
Now I must find courage to let my love for Z ends naturally. Let me just express it. Just like sadness, the unrequited expressed love will also ends naturally.
Amen. Thanks for sending MZ to me, for being my mirror in Nine of Diamonds. She was here for a reason. Alas, now understand Friendliness card.

Unexpectedly God had shown me the way my unrequited love can end. Amen.