Being a leader..is also alone...

Apr 16
Father, woke up twice yesterday cos it was too hot and then too cold after air cond. I was surprised body was fine at 4.30 am.

Did a cycle of surya kriya and then followed by asanas. Now my whole fingers can touch the ground while standing. Also realised that I now does deep breathing when doing the asanas, which makes it better. 
After practice, I doze off during Shavasana and so had little time for breathing meditation.
Shakti is getting better cos now sitting up straight. Today suddenly shifted position and Kapala Bhakti becomes smoother. Since Maya is here, can ask her for correction.

Today had more tots of Z. I even dreamed of him with other women and I also dreamed of eating chicken.
We always dream what we miss. And this week cards does depicts it. Trust my Osho cards to tell me intuitively what I don't even know.

1. Issue
Trust
Don't waste ur life for that which was going to be taken away. Trust life. If u trust, u can drop knowledge, only then can  u put ur mind aside.

Now is the bungee jumper without the cord. And it is this quality of absolute trust, with no reservations or secret safety nets, that the Knight of Water demands from us.

Soul
I always tot leadership is suffering; similar to power is responsibility. I just wanted to be on my own. Feeling contented within. But reading my Saturn in Aries - my skill and social responsibility is to be a leader. And knowing my need for validation makes me determined to proceed.
Let me change this.
Let me not fear that by being a leader, I lost the right to be lovable. Let me be a lovable leader. 

2. Internal influence
Lovers
The lowest is sex, followed by love and highest is compassion
Love plus meditation becomes compassion.
What we call love is really a whole spectrum of relating, reaching from the earth to the sky.
Our partner often functions as a mirror, reflecting unseen aspects of our deeper self and supporting us become whole.

Soul
Yea. My Saturn in Aries. That's Z. After the break up, I can truly see him as my mirror and alas proceed to take up my Saturn in Aries and Pluto in Virgo.
And he taught me to focus on the goal instead of price to pay.
I have physically let go. No longer whatsapp with him for a month. At times I still see his pix on Facebook. But that's all. No, these two days have tot of him. Not sure why. I tot lesson was over.

3. External influence
The Dream
All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone and this aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in rship.
Nobody, whether its ur current mate or some dreamed of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver ur happiness on a platter - nor could they even if they wanted to.
Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity.
Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw others to us.

Soul
Yea. Being leader is alone. I don't feel I got the support of the team. I felt being tested.
With P no longer in my circle of trust and L is too busy for me and C is with P and busy too. I feel alone.
Perhaps that's why I suddenly had tot of Z. But that's a real dead end, I can't have any comfort there.
This aloneness in being a leader is not easy. Always being judged. No returns.
Oops. Don't go down. The returns will be in my personal goal of being a transforming agent. Helping others to be aware of the truth within.


4. What is needed?
Aloneness.
Loneliness is the absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence. U r so full of presence that u can fill the whole universe with ur presence and there is no need for anybody.

When we find no support for our deeply felt truths, we can either feel isolated and bitter, or celebrate the fact that our vision is strong enough to survive the powerful human need for the approval of family, friends or colleagues.
If u r facing such a situation now, be aware of how u r choosing to view ur aloneness and take responsibility for the choice u have made.
Be a light unto urself.

Soul
I avoided this leadership path for many times. The lesson was easier previously as I got support then. But I was resistant and ran off and now had to take this up cos I valued it.
But because of my continuous runs, I no longer have others support. It's now on my own.
The lesson just gets more difficulty. Like Sadhguru says u either break urself or let life breaks u.
I will stay positive. I can do this. I m meant to carry it.

5. Resolution
The Source
Zen asked u to come out of the head and go to the basic source.
Learn to be at the Source. Relax at the Source and it will take u to ur very potential.

Soul
Amen.