Cosmic lesson - to overcome fear of loss of validation (to have faith in myself)

Apr 8
Father, every time P hurt me is double impact. Why? I think because I tot she was a friend and I felt betrayed. I now know she is a double edged sword. Yesterday and this morning full  of tots about her.

This morning woke up at alarm but felt real tired cos only slept about 4 hours. Change the alarm and slept back. Once I m recovered body automatically wakes up just 5 minutes before alarm rang at 5.30 am.

Did one round of surya kriya, fast track breathing meditation. Shakti was not distracted cos tots of P comes in. No tots of Z. And with P, I got hooked cos I still haven't realised the cosmic lesson yet.
Shambavi was fine but there were tots of P. Did a good Suka kriya. Towards the end just silence. No joy nor contentment but at least the winds of tots of P dies down.

Father, guide me. What is the lesson. Earlier I tot it was M, unexpected trouble with a friend or work. But now I realised it was P. With M, there was slight disturbance. With P, major disturbance.

Because of P disregard for people and driving away volunteers, I took charge. And I stayed because I now accept that the adventure I need to face in my path to be Agent of Change to general public.And I also need to learn the way P disregard peer's opinion of her. Despite continuous feedback, she still ignores it. And I guess I felt stupid for not seeing it earlier. My Neptune covers it.

Cosmic lesson with P.
If it is no 1 connection, this person is playing an instrumental role in helping me find my path to power.

Father, at first I wanted to say there were no cosmic lesson as we have an easy going rship in the beginning. Our first fall out was when she boycott me in the meeting when I brought in a public event.
Then I recalled it was becos of her that I continued to stay as a leader last year. So, the first time she helped me to stay on because I don't want to lose her validation. And now second time, she forced me to be a leader cos I see that she is driving others away.
In both case, being a leader for Isha. Finding my power to be a leader. Father, I will grow Isha.

Father, a silence comes over me. Suddenly I see her as the tool.

Uranus - key to aliveness
Uranus in Virgo
Ur ability: to perceive innovative ways of cleaning up the social environment on both physical and mental levels.
Disruption occurs: when new ways of serving society are misunderstood and taken too literally.

Soul
When I first read this. I couldn't relate and I dismiss it. Still not sure


Uranus in 4th house
Habitual tendency: Demanding independence by rebelling against close rships.
Results: U may rebel for the sake of asserting a false sense of emotional freedom and self-centred independence. This results in feeling instability about ur roots and constant disruption from loved ones.

Soul
Not sure. But I m close to P, but not as close as she is with C.
I m now asserting my freedom and independence. And the only way I know how is to eliminate her cos I now see her as double edged sword. Earlier I couldn't risk it as I don't want to lead Isha. And now that I m leading, I am not afraid of risking it. But do I really want to sever the rship. Can I do it?


(Apr 11 - thats my Lunar in Scorpio - destruction energy in fear)

My normal mode is to sever and run. But I m now the leader and every volunteer counts.

Uranus in 4th house
Conscious expression
U know how to uniquely express ur individuality through ur talent to be sensitive to people's needs.
U can be impersonally loving enough to allow those who are emotionally close to be free from any debilitating dependence.
If u choose this road, the result is a sense of personal emotional freedom that allows u to be truly yourself, even in close rship.

Soul
Father, actually I don't find it easy to assert myself in closer  rship as there is a fear of losing validation.
It wasn't easy asserting to P on her making me feel uncomfortable. And when she responded with an opinion after saying she won't give. That was double hit as she then says that I m now below her and C. And the example she quoted of me not being true to Isha form further enhance it. Cos I admit there are more representative in forms but I m representative in spirit.
That's it, loss of total validation.
Yea. I was disturbed cos I lost the validation. And since I lost it, I too want to drop it too.