Being wanted vs being needed

Apr 10 eve

On the local Isha. I did the booking. I did it cos no one reverted. But mostly I did it out of responsibility. Just because others are not willing, doesn't mean I should act spiteful. I want to end well.
Also no judgement on them. They are doing what they are willing. So learn from them. My issue is doing unwillingly. So perfect environment for me to learn. If they has been more open, more responsible I need not do and won't know my issue of self rape. Perfect people to learn my lesson.
Apr 10 eve 1

In my audit job. I asked why me.
In commercial I asked why me.
Now I asked why me.
The cycle of seeking validation.

Why me when I was taken care by neighbour. I tot I was unlovable. Mom said its because I m so cute and cheerful.

Now why me taking the helm at Local Isha. I tot is because I m unlovable. A tot came its because I m capable. That's all

I m all grown up. I m not willing to be needed because of usefulness. I just want to be wanted for not doing anything. That's why I don't want anything.

What a session. Was lost after guru pooja. Breathe hissing non stop, head shaking non stop. Was singing and dancing. Hands were clapping nonstop. Spine feels light and can sit effortlessly. Amen.
Thanks got the shrine.
Shoonya went in deep. 

Haven't been able to do Samyama as eyes can't open. Never mind I m now okay with being lost. Being mindless Sadhguru said mindless is the point of transcendence. Amen.