Two of Diamonds - Letting go of Y so others can let go of me

Mar 26

Did my first Angarmadharna today. Forgot a few steps, bending leg, sitting down and rotating back and front, sit with both legs lifted up by hand.
Today, my niece slept in my room and then the door keep on opening. I couldn't got into my zone.
Breathing, Shakti and Shambavi is just okay. I couldn't get in.

Today, was working on local isha matters and also work and hence couldn't do the writing.

I wanted to write about my latest insight.
On my Two of Diamond first karma card in Ruling
Me letting go of Y so that local Isha can let go of me.

Knowing that it was I who prolonged a one-sided relationship keeps me in my place. Nearly 3 days have passed and I have no inclination to contact Y. Neither did he contact me either, so proven beyond doubt that it was truly one sided. He said his goodbye in mid January, that like 2 months ago. But here I still hold on with intermittent messages. He of course, only reply those 'professional one', the personal one he ignored. It was sad to know that I once again got myself stuck. But it is a shorter period now.
First thing is I communicated what I want instead of suppressing. That led to an either yes or no...which I didn't do with Z.
Then the holding on period was 2 months instead of nearly one and half year with Z. I hold on for nearly 6 months when we broke off in Sept 2012 and then broken heart for another 6 months after he told me of his wedding. Then another 6 months of seeing him with his wife. Alas Y helped me to break through, but it is just a change of hand.
It is sad...
And now the same with local Isha. On hindsight, maybe I lasted with local Isha as I lost my ambition for corporate career and Z at the same time. So for nearly one year plus on Isha.
And then I hold on bit cos I thought I be in with Y.
Alas, now I got nothing but yet I knew I am not keen to be active volunteering on Isha.

My this week card.

Issue - Sharing
The Queen of Fire is so rich, so much a queen, that she can afford to give. It doesn't even occur to her to take inventories or to put something aside for later. She dispenses her treasures without limits, welcoming all and sundry to partake of the abundance, fertility and light that surrounds her.
Soul
This week I am focused on finalising the hall for local IE. I knew I need to do proper handover. Also, don't want to leave in lurch. I am leaving while I am good.

2. Internal influence - Intensity
You have to be an original individual; you have to find your innermost core on your own, with no guide, no guiding scriptures. It is a dark night, but with the intense fire of inquiry you are bound to come to the sunrise. Everybody who has burned with intense inquiry has found the sunrise. Others only believe.
Soul
I know my answer now. No more dilemma on no longer being a core team.
No more dilemma on letting go of Y. Unexpectedly once I can let go of local Isha core team, I can see how I was holding on to Y.
How I prolonged it.

3. External influence - politics
All but the most innocent and sincere of us have a politician lurking somewhere in our minds. In fact, the mind is political. Its very nature is to plan and scheme and try to manipulate situations and people so that it can get what it wants. Here, the mind is represented by the snake, covered with clouds and "speaking with a forked tongue." But the important thing to realize about this card is that both faces are false. The sweet, innocent, ‘trust me' face is a mask, and the evil, toxic, ‘I'll have my way with you' face is a mask, too. Politicians don't have real faces. The whole game is a lie. Take a good look at yourself to see if you have been playing this game. What you see might be painful, but not as painful as continuing to play. It doesn't serve anybody's interest in the end, least of all yours. Whatever you might achieve in this way will just turn to dust in your hands.

Soul
My mind keep on saying I got nothing left. well, I am not afraid now. I know what I don't want.
I know I want my time to focus back on myself
Just now another local Isha project came by. I was able to take charge and yet immediately delegate back to others.
Then the call came from A, I was able to stop the conversation flow and said I am not in charge and hence no need to hear him out.
Then received a call from P, I too told her that I am not in charge and ask her to refer to P.

4. What is needed for resolution - Sorrow
Times of great sorrow have the potential to be times of great transformation. But in order for transformation to happen we must go deep, to the very roots of our pain, and experience it as it is, without blame or self-pity.

Soul
It is sad to know that my hope on Y has ended. Everything has ended..even my 'play or hide-out' in local Isha has ended. But in the ending, I found out about my karma of holding on to personal and romantic relatinships, resulting in me being hold on by others.
Or perhaps it is just me. Me holding on.
Alas, Two of Diamonds being unravelled and dissolved. No more holding on when there is nothing left.


5. Resolution - Experienceing
Nature doesn't bang any drums when it bursts forth into flower, nor play any dirges when the trees let go of their leaves in the fall. But when we approach her in the right spirit, she has many secrets to share. If you haven't heard nature whispering to you lately, now is a good time to give her the opportunity.

Soul
The insight on Two of Diamond comes unexpectedly.
Not sure where I am..but I just want to be myself..back to my own nature..