Crying for all the years of being unloving to myself

Apr 9 eve 2

Cried during guru pooja. I cried cos all the years of doing self rape. All the years of pushing ahead when I was unwilling.
Went in deep for breathing meditation. Just melting inside. Later did Shoonya.
So truly glad I have my shrine; the best thing that happens to me.

Actually when it comes to sadhanas, I only do it when I m willing. But in volunteering I always did it unwillingly and then got stuck cos fear of losing bonding.
No more. Even being Sathsang guide. While I love Sathsang I no longer yearns for it now that I got my shrine. I can even let go of that. Father, amen.
This week Osho tarot really true.

Father, alas I can see I allow myself to self rape. Even being a Sathsang guide. I was unwilling and beg to be lifted alas no one came to my rescue. I have truly unwilling volunteers. Even P was unwilling to take up Sathsang guide. On one hand they said I m good but the truth is they just don't want to do. All of them stick to their unwillingness except for me.

Astrology for the soul
North node in Taurus
 When they experience 'abuse' as adults they have to first acknowledge that its happening. Then they need to extricate themselves from the situation and break the psychological bond through forgiveness. Their tendency to perceive themselves as intrinsically "bad" and dislikes by others is actually their over sensitive probing to evoke validation from others. When these folks stop seeking validation, they will no longer be so vulnerable to feeling dislikes.

Soul
True. I can see it clearly now.
Firstly in career and then in local Isha volunteering. Both work related.


North node in Taurus
They are master builders. When they focus on building a relationship and do it their way, in tune with their own level of comfort, it will last forever. Their challenge is not to allow other people's energy to disturb their sense of what's comfortable - it's not to their advantage to allow themselves to get "knocked around" in any way.

Soul
My relationship with Sadhguru will last forever. I took my time, within my comfort level. I knew that I found something precious, not to be rushed.
The same with my sadhanas. I never let it go beyond comfort level.
Only in volunteering, I moved beyond comfort level for many years and it is taking its toll and resentment sets in. And I m at breaking point.

I m surprised. Just received a msg from J, a new meditator. She said she want to cheer me up. I open up to her cos she is one of the volunteer lead.

Just now went into toilet. I cried. Suddenly I realised that I was seeking love cos I don't love myself. I torture myself by continuously doing things unwillingly. Five years is a long time to do self rape. I remember Z and my friends used to ask my why continue. Alas I was doing self rape.
Father, I feel a door of love has opened within me. Alas I now know how unloving I was to myself. I always can see others cos it was a projection.
Now that I can alas stop torturing myself, then I need not desperately wish for my partner to love me. I can love myself.