Osho - the Condemner is planted inside us causing inner civil war

Mar 21 aft
Finally breakthrough the dilemma of calling Y. He was in meeting and can't talk. He asked to text. I replied him to call back.
He called back. Mmm, we just chat on the payment I owe him. He seems in rush so I let him off. At least ended the dilemma.

Well, that's was the card I draw. Card of courage to grown into the flower that I m meant to be. 

Destiny, freedom and soul by Osho
The condemner has been implanted in u. There is the greatest calamity that has happened to humility. And unless we get rid of this condemner inside us, we cannot be truly human, we cannot be truly joyous and we cannot participate in the celebration that existence is.  And nobody can drop it except u.
The essential is to create a split  in u, so one part always condemns the other part. If u follow the first part, then the second part starts condemning u. U are in an inner conflict, a civil war.

This civil war has to be dropped; otherwise u will miss the benediction of life. U will never be able to laugh till ur heart's content, u will never be able to love, u will never be able to be total in anything. And it is only out of totality that one blooms, that the spring comes and ur life starts having colour and music and poetry.

Soul
Mmm, when it comes to volunteering there is definitely a split.
I don't mind doing volunteering. But at times it gets too much then I feel burden and then I suppress and resentment comes in. Then I start to judge others. They said they are willing but they don't do it. Here I said I m unwilling but I do it. Mmmm.

Truly a big gap between Ace and Queen. Ace wants to alone but Queen is on service to others.

Destiny, freedom and soul by Osho
A divided human being is a weak human being. An undivided person, an individual, has strength to accept any adventure, any challenge.

Do what ur nature wants to do. Do what ur intrinsic qualities hankers to do. Don't listen to the scriptures. Listen to ur own heart. Listen very attentively, very consciously and u will never be wrong. And listening to ur own heart, u will never be divided. U will start moving in the right direction without ever thinking of what is right or what is wrong.
Follow it through any means and go wherever it takes u. Yes, some will bring u into dangers - but then remember, those dangers are needed to make u ripe.
And sometimes it will lead u astray - but remember again that going astray are part of growth. Many times u will fall. Rise up again because this is how one gathers strength - by falling and rising again. This is how one becomes integrated.

Soul
Live fearlessly.

Soul
Tot of Y. It was scary when I declare my love for him. He helped me to overcome my fear of expression in relationship
Tot of Z, it was the scariest decision I took. But no regrets. He helped me to overcome my physical part.