Finally seeing how unloving I am to myself

Apr 9 eve 1
Just felt a need to go for my evening walk. Can feel the suppressed energy.

In the first cycle, still disturbed that no one want to take up the volunteering work load and again I m left to carry the burden. Mind keep in twisting, blaming others and judging myself.

As I was climbing the first staircase session, the talk was still going on. I said then the thing fall. Then it replied so what if it fall; then others will blame me for being selfish. For not doing it eventhough I can do.

Then in the second cycle I said if not willing, just don't do it. Then tears fall. Why can't I allow myself to drop it. Why I don't have a choice. I cried while walking as I realised I have been doing this all my life. Doing things unwillingly and then feeling resentful. Envious of others who need not be responsible, need carry the burden, I was the unloved one, the one who always need to carry the load, carry the burden.
 But then I said not willing stop. Slowly I calmed down. Yes, just don't do it.
  Then it replied let it drop the date is not fixed, if others booked it already, just changed.

I saw this self rape mode in North node in Taurus but I dismissed it. I can now see it as myself.

Father, this week card is true.

And I got to stay firm like my two ex, Z and Y who was firm in letting go.