Clarity on my path in Isha - with the shrine

Mar 13
It was a great meet up with teacher.
I got clarity on this.
1. Volunteering
2. Practices
3. Sitting in the shrine.

I knew now my fulfilment is sitting with the shrine. Such irony I avoid temple both Dhynalinga and Linga. Avoid any form of contact with Sadhguru. Now sitting with all of them is just contentment. Knowing Sadhguru love me, knowing Linga protects me and wish me well. Knowing Dhynalinga gives me the energy space. There is a connection between me and the snake. For the past two  months I have been hissing like a snake ever since late January.

I was never truly enthusiastic on my practices except for the benefits it brings to me in terms of receptivity, mental and emotional balance. That's why I insist on sabbatical and have no qualms on slipping practices if I can't make it. I only ensure I make time for practices when I need it during working days.

Volunteering is never for me. But because I received so much from Sadhguru, I am compel to let not the local Isha drop. That's my commitment to Sadhguru. I am not willing to grow Isha but I m committed not to let the ball drop.

I lost my role as Rational meditator.  Such irony. No wonder so much resistance on even lighting the flame. That's why now I m reluctant to share as I have moved away from being a meditator to a devotee.

Yesterday reach home after midnight. But still light the candle and flame for Dhynalinga and Linga.Just need to sit with them.

I can even say Sathsang is no longer critical for me after I got the shrine. Sathsang was critical to me previously as it is the only time I just sat in the 'shrine', in Sadhguru's space.

Father, all my guilt lifted. There is no more burden once I accepted my samadhi path, once I open up to my shrine. There is no more guilt that I m not keen on volunteering, that I don't find fulfilment in volunteering.

I am also not so enthu on sadhana. I am only enthu on my shrine. That's why I love it just sitting at the back of the hall during IE. Just opening and absorbing the energy space. That's why I got upset and feel resentful that my time spent in energy space is lost when I got to active volunteer for IE during class. I m fine with set up but not on during class.

That's is also why I m upset that Sathsang hall not ready by 5.15 pm cos I need my half hour time with energy space since I can't have it during my guide session. I keep telling people I love being in Sathsang and I don't want to be guide cos I can't be a meditator. Others tot I was selfish and I tot too until recent Samyama whereby I realised that I m on samadhi path and hence can't be an aware path Guide. That's why I was even more resentful of those who don't enjoy Sathsang but don't want to be guide.

So that's why I miss M. That's why I m edgy with V for not giving me energy time during Sathsang.
Alas clarity.

This morning wake up at 5 am, slept about four and half hours.  Body was fine.
Did one cycle of Yoga Namaskar and one cycle of Surya kriya
Shakti was incredible.
Today didn't do Shambavi.