Suppressing myself out of need to bond

Apr 8.  

To be complete as me, and me alone.
Z was my soul mate for money and fear. I learned my lesson with him and overcome my money issue. I renovated my bedroom, bought a big car I wanted and finally now can go to Kailash. I used to spent below my means and he above his means.

I also learned from him to be fearless. He was fearless in his commitment to money. He can live with little money, not afraid to lose money as he believe money will come in. And now learned to be fearless in my commitment to people not to be afraid of losing people. Truly my cosmic lesson with him with over. He didn't learn and now married his karma card. 

This morning I woke up; knowing that while I dream of bonding. My path is to overcome the aloneness. On the surface I am fine to be alone but deep inside I am not. At least at the ruling level, Second of Diamonds card.
I want to feel complete on my own. I want my husband but it don't want to need my husband. A need is a compulsion. Its like I do want to bond but I don't need to bond.
Such irony; me who seems to be fine alone, don't care much on bonding but actually do care very much. It is so hidden that I didn't  know I was even suppressing my own values, my own voice to ensure bonding. Classic example is volunteering. I volunteer out of bonding. I continue and persevere due to fear of losing the bonding. Well, no more. I now undertake to be alone. 

This week card.
1. Issue
Going with the Flow
Every moment in life we have a choice of whether to enter life's  water and float or try to swim upstream.

Soul
I don't like volunteering and I got to overcome losing bonding.
I need my partner. I don't have a partner now. So I can only be alone. 

2. Internal influence.
 Past lives
The real point is to understand the karmic patterns of our lives and their roots in an endless repetitive cycle that traps us in unconscious behaviour.

Soul
Yes, my fear of being alone makes me compulsive in bonding. Make me afraid of even losing bond that is already over.
Old fear of losing Z. New fear of losing Y. Long time fear of losing Isha friends.

3. External influences.
Breakthrough.
Ur chaos is very ancient - for many lives u have been in chaos. It is thick and dense. It is almost like a universe itself. So when u enter, there is danger. But without facing this danger, nobody has ever become integrated, nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible.
The dawn is not far away but before you can reach dawn, the dark night of the soul has to be passed through.
We must do something to throw out the burdens and restrictions that are limiting us. If we don't, they threaten to suffocate and cripple our very life energy itself.

Soul
Alas, first the conman. Then I gained courage after Isha. Then I had Z and took me one and half year to let go; and then I had Y and now took me 3 months to realise he is gone. It is me holding on.
Instead on focus on lack; to focus on abundance. To have faith that once I m okay on my own; my true partner will be.
Have to start with local Isha. Have to be alone.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Intensity.
When u act with the intensity of  the Knight of fire, it is likely to create ripples in the water around u. Some feel uplifted and refreshed by your presence, others may feel threatened or annoyed. But the opinions of others matter little now; nothing can hold you back.

Soul
No more dilemma in let go of local Isha.
It end. If the friends want to judge me, to ignore me. So be it.  I got my shrine.


Resolution
Control
If u are uncontrolled, flowing, alive, then u are not nervous. There is no question of being nervous - whatsoever happens, happens.
You have no expectations for the future, u are not performing.

Soul
Amen.