Confused on Y but still focused on my next year wish

Dec 20 aft

Took some selfie pix using my mobile. I looked great. I finally looked great in photo. That is miracle. I used to dislike how I looked in picture. But now I looked great. That's a miracle. I used to be envious of Z who can take selfie pix. I never dare to because I looked ugly on photo. On the mirror I looked okay.
 Now alas for the first time in my life I finally looked good in picture and can even take selfie. Even my sisters said that I looked good in photo now.

We both like conversing with each other. Whenever we find something interesting or happy,  we both will message each other. Guess we are in each other tots.
When I m meditating, tots of running away will come. After meditation, the only tot is be in the moment. He helped me to see that what Z and I had was purely physical. Even back at our heydays, I don't think of sharing with Z cos I know he is neither interested nor can relate. All the time I was sharing mainly with V.
I normally have good platonic friendship with guys; not sure why Y was different.

Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth
Staying requires awareness of the desire to bolt. Of the stories u r telling urself about the need to bolt. Staying means recognising that when u want to bolt you are living in the past. U r taking urself to be someone who no longer exists.
Staying requires being curious about who u actually are when u don't take yourself to be a collection of memories. When u stay, u question what u have never done before.
Hell is wanting to be somewhere different from where u are. Being one place and wanting to be somewhere else. Being in a relationship with someone and refusing to surrender to the love because u don't want to give urself to something u will eventually lose. Refusing to love because u want the endgame to be different than it is. Wanting life to be different from what it is.

Soul
Mmm; this thing with Y. Truly wish our age gap is much lesser; truly wish he is not a mommy boy. Truly wish I m not attracted to him. Sometimes wish I didn't get to know him. But I can't turn back the clock. He has a role to play for me to see Z as he is; for me to see what type of relationship I truly wanted. 
Part of me want to bolt. Part of me want to blame God. Part off want to blame myself for getting attached to wrong guy again.
The other part of me know this is right. I m one confused person. I just know one thing, I m not bolting and even if I bolt I will be honest with him. My focus now is on my wish being fulfilled. My future husband and I are going to Kailash next year. I trust Linga will do the necessary.

Women, Food and God
It's walking straight into the pain with the understanding that there are worse things in life than a broken heart. That something exists beyond, something that completely saturated any pain. Something that holds the pain, is bigger than it is. And there is no fighting with either pain or the thing that saturates it.

Soul
This message seems similar to Sadhguru's msg in Leela of creating a shrine of love for our unrequited love.
This thing with Y is such a case. I m looking at it. Not bolting and not pursuing. But we mutually take steps in getting closer.