Unconsciously getting sick with medication is a away I numb myself

Dec 22

Slept early before 10 pm yesterday cos had a slight fever; can feel the ache on my left part body.
Woke up around 4 plus am but body still aching and mucus in my left eyes. I slept back and wake up again around 6 am. Left eyes bit red and some mucus. Took a nice cold shower and did my practices.
At first tot only to do go guru pooja for the shrine. Later continue to breathing...it was very nice, feeling the energy. Didn't want to stop and continue with Shakti and Shambavi. Since body is not so well, there were some fleeting tots of Y and office matters. Didn't fly in Shakti. Shambavi was nice...just silence in the end.
After the practices, redness in left eyes reduced and body feel less heaty.

At first tot of seeing a doctor but mom was at the corner and advised me not to. I then realised that it is compulsion for me to fall sick, take medication and sleep so I don't have to face the emotion. Yes, the emotion on Y. I got attached to him already but truly I don't want this to happen. He is not ready for any relationships; and definitely not with me. And I want someone who is truly ready. No more long distance, I want someone here with me.

From Facebook
The people who wants to stay in ur life will always find a way.

I had accepted the fact that Y is out. To my surprise, Y messaged me to ask how I am. I saw the message after Shoonya but was not keen to revert as he took a long while asking about me. But half an hour later I did and I also send him a pix from Facebook.

Today Neptune card.
King of Clubs
The King of Clubs is the highest card in the suit of knowledge. It bestows mastery and success in any of the communications fields, but especially in situations where we are able and willing to take a leadership position or assume responsibility. Remember that every King has a kingdom. If you are involved in one of the communications related fields and are willing to stand up and take charge, there is no better card to indicate your success.
The King of Clubs is highly intuitive, can make fine mental distinctions, and will never do anything to compromise his or her integrity or inner truth. Keep these qualities in mind whenever this powerful card appears in your reading.

Soul
Mmm, everytime I said nope, to close the door. I opened it.
I am now wondering whether that is compulsive...
Am I seeking validation??
Maybe not..when he reverted, my first reaction was to close door...
Father, I am confused.
Which way to turn?
Actually, we can't be....and yet we are...
Suddenly tot of Z..,.he was worldly smart..he make sure he doesn't get attached to me....
Whereas I am not smart..
Neither is Y...but I think he begin to realise and hence he is pulling me back.
Me, I am just staying...I only respond when he initiate...

Now updating blog and saw this;
Mystic musing
Samyama
Once a person moves into a higher level of awareness and a certain direction is there, naturally the unconscious becomes conscious. That's why we called it Karma Samyama. It is an enormously liberating experience.
Samyama is to teach u to become meditative with eyes open. We start with eyes closed and we slowly move people to a state where they open their eyes partially, then fully, then get active with everything and just maintaining the same awareness. So once u are able to maintain that awareness with eyes open and with activity, then the question of creating karma does not arise. It is just rapid dissolution. If one establishes himself in the Samyama state, dissolution happens.

Soul
A good reminder to do Samyama...
A sense of calm comes over me.