Survival mode - avoid pain to ensure survival

Dec 17 eve

As expected Y msg me in late evening. I saw the msg one hour later. Just gave a short reply.

Women Food and God
We have become so obsessed with getting rid of our obsession, with riding on top of our suffering and ignoring its inherent message, that we lose the pieces of ourselves waiting to be found beneath it. But fixing ourselves is not the same as being ourselves. The real richness of obsession lies in the ineffable stillness, the irrefutable wholeness, that is found in turning towards its source.

It's not life in the present moment that is intolerable; the pain we are avoiding has already happened. We are living in reverse.
To the extent that we go into survival mode - I can't feel this, I won't feel this, it hurts too much, it will kill me - we are slipping into baby skins, old forms, familiar selves. Young children, especially infants, mediate the pain of loss or abandonment or abuse through the body; there is no difference between physical and emotional pain. It is life saving for a child to develop defenses that allow her to leave a situation she can't physically leave by shutting down her feelings or turning to something that soothes her.
But if we as adults we still believe that pain will kill us,

Soul
Exactly. I no longer want to repeat drama of past. Just like I knew it was difficult between Z and I due to our issue on having children. The more impossible is between Y and I. I prefer to drop this. Just like Z can't overcome his issue; the more difficult for Y to do so.
Father, Y met me just to help him to discover new value. Now the question is why am I meeting him now after one year and unexpectedly attracted to him?
Mmm, why put myself through that again? As a child I can't help that others doesn't voluntarily take care of me. But as adult I have a choice. I have a choice to be with people who wants me permanently. Its time I play to win and not play to lose.