Knowing that I prefer Y over Z

Dec 9

Wake up 4.50 am, feeling bit tired. Sang guru pooja and did one cycle of Surya kriya. Breathing was okay. Shakti was okay too. Some tots of Y comes in but somehow I am able to focus on Shakti. But today had to rest 3 times cos did very slow in Kapala Bhakti. During the three cycle of Kapala Bhakti, I was lost in tots.

I tot since I was not that focus, Shakti may not fly. In the end, I fly too. Looks like the Shakti door is open. And I m able to see my tots and yet awareness on my Shakti intact. Maybe while I can see the tots, my attention was on Shakti. I laughed loads and singing till half way preparatory steps on Shambavi. Shambavi was nice. Towards the end silence followed by a sweet feeling. Ended practices around 7.30 am. Amen.

Father, yesterday afternoon Shoonya at the Shrine was sweet too.

Byron Katie
I don't know is a lot of freedom.

Soul
This morning when I started my practices tot of Y came in and I recall the internet article of younger man and older women. Most are positive. The negative ones are those whereby the guy is immature, they got together when the guy in twenties. Recommended guy is at thirties. Well, I knew I won't have that people with Y. But too much societal issues. Then some negative tots comes in and said I So, prefer to drop it. I let Linga finds me a new one.
As I continue with my practices, a tot came. I don't know what going to happen. Need not try to control future out of fear. I don't know if he is the one. I just know my husband and I be going to Kailash next year.

Today's card
My Daily Card
The Nine of Hearts

The Nine of Hearts can be a card of emotional disappointment and personal losses on the affectional level. However, this is the card of completions in love and of 'Universal Love'. Yes, the Nine of Hearts can signal the ending of one or more key relationships. If so, it is most likely that these relationships are no longer doing you any good. It is time for them to end, whether or not you realize this at the time they happen.

However, the Nine of Hearts can also represent our helping others by counseling them or in some way sharing our love and compassion with them. It means a giving of love in a more or less selfless manner.

Soul

Now 3 pm...wondering what could this be..
Y and I are still going on strong.
Alas...just received a message on Z and wife.
Ego is truly dented.
Z now going to the place that I always wanted him to go. I always tot that if he had gone, maybe he can have a change of mind about children issue and we be together.
Alas, it didn't happen with us. Granted he was financially tight but towards the end he did go for long holiday in Europe.
But now I think it is because, he don't want to be seen with me.
I was supposed to be the hidden one.
Sadness..is coming up..
Tears bit welling.
But I told myself...between Z and Y, I take Y anytime.
I know what is Y and he is with me. And we both can connect mentally.
With Z it was only physical.
And his going to that place is merely a social thingy...and also to prove that he can go..
and he can share about the place...
So, I can do two things...see this negatively or positively.
At least I know that if given a choice, I will take Y anytime...

Mmmm, alas my value is clear.
Now no more postponement.
It is Y that I truly want.
Yea, we got major age difference, but he is much more mature than Z and we are mentally compatible.
I need not lower myself mentally or intellectually or even financially.
We are evenly matched.
With Z, he is above me in physical and will power. But I am above him in mental and spiritual and financial.
We can also discuss on our inner feelings and spiritual matters.
I know I am in Y's mind...
Net net..if given a choice for both of them..I choose Y.

Soul
Suddenly a tot occured to me.
I was indecisive over Y due to age differences.
It never occur me to compare Y with Z
It just occur with me to do comparison between both of them.
Thanks to this, I suddenly make a decision.
It wasn't forced. It just came.
I take Y anytime..