Cosmic Lesson (17) - heaven and hell within me

Feb 22

Woke up
Heaven or hell is just a door away.

When I miss him, I feel afraid cos I want him and worried he will abandon me. I worried I lost my control and he has power. So, I would want to hold him - need. And when I can't hold, I run.
When I just stay with feeling, then comfort myself - I don't connect with my old wound. Then I am fine.

My practice was fine. Tots of Z was much lesser. Dancing throughout my journey to work. When I reached office, I tot of taking control to tell Z that I am ok if the date is off. Then tot what I am doing, trying to hold or what?? Let's face it, I want to see him. The new me is not satisfied with long distance. I want my partner by my side. So, I won't pull the plug. Let him make time and he wants to pull, he do it. Then we end and etc.
A tot came, why is it guys wanted to approach me when they r not ready. When I am hooked, they don't want to play. Why can't they be decisive.

Tots on and on, then I stop myself, a tot came, "He is a good man and I want him" and I quiet down.

Father, really not sure where is heading. Only thing I knew is that he is a perfect tool to let me heal my wound.

Yday V said about urbantv. Yea, this could be my platform to be a speaker. And is a form of promotion for my writing. I have decided to remove articles on boss from my ebook. The title of the urbantv is Firefly.

Father, now that I calmed down. I know I can support him by letting him off the date. I will call him tonight.

Expect a miracle
Mantra
I am in constant communion with God in every action I take.

Because prayer emphasised faith, it takes away our struggle and the lower, cloying energy of the ego.
Faith implies a state of confidence and expectation, and in order to have a miracle the posture of quiet knowingness is necessary.
Impatience is ur ego's way of declaring faithlessness; so do whatever it takes to get urself out of the place of cynicism and doubt, because ur attitude and sense of surrendered expectation is what creates ur reality. Being impatient implies that u don't trust that Grace is taking care of u, and that u, rather than God, know best.
Walk away, do something else and allow things to happen gracefully, without ur constant impatience.

By praying u r asking for the relationship. By meditation u r becoming the person who will draw that to u.
Meditation is the most powerful tool I know for achieving a state of Grace. Through meditation, ur vibration rises and deepens at the same time, affecting ur tots, perceptions, actions and ultimately, people's reaction to.
U inititiate that Grace Consciousness within by dwelling on its presence, because anything u focus on, u give power to. You create a positive force field around u, which, by its very nature, draws in loving relationships and rejects lower energy situations.

Soul
Amen.
Yea, let him be. Actually that means he is really keen in me for him to spare such precious time.

Father, from now on, I want an alternative tot for any form of perceived abandoment by Z. Heaven and hell are within me. I have been opening hell for rship. And now I want to stop hell and open heaven instead. I now knew there is a heaven.
Alas I got the inner transformation card of heaven/hell.

Osho
New levels of understanding
Renewal
When there is no past, when there is not future, only then there is peace.
Future means aspirations, goal, ambition, desire. You cannot be here now, u r always rushing for something, somewhere elese. One has to be utterly present to the present, only then there is peace. And out of that is renewal of life, becos life knows only one time, and that is the present.

Soul
Yeap, he is a good man and I want him. My past is gone and I need not think of future. When I m in the present, its fine.

What I need to work on
That Which Never Dies
Remember each moment, what u r accumulating - is it going to be taken away by death? Then it is not worth bothering about. If it is no going to be taken away by death, then even life can be sacrificed for it. Before life disappeats, use the opportunity to find that which never dies.

Soul
Lose pride face, face loss or devaluation, sadness.
But its gone on death. So need not worry about them.

Father, I no longer just want a mental rship. I want a physical relationship too. Alas, the emotional arise when we have both. I would tell Z that. While I am fine with the cancellation, I am not ok if this continues. I have changed. I am no longer satisfied with just a mental rship.