Transformation did happen (5) - I am blooming, its spring time for me

Mar 7 Aft
Osho

1. Issue
Change
Life repeats itself mindlessly - unless u become mindful. One day, u r feeling so good and so happy and another day, u r so dull, so dead that u start thinking of committing suicide.
And it goes on and on, but u don't see the pattern. Once u see the pattern, u can get out of it.
Move toward the center of cyclone and relax, knowing that this too will pass.

Soul
I can now see the patterns. I won't be hooked by pleasure or pain. I can now see more clearly that my tots are not me, with help from Ekhart Tolle and samyama. I can lift myself up from my mind.
　
2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Exhaustion
A man who lives through conscience becomes hard. A man who lives through consciousness remain soft. Why? Because a man who has some ideas about how to live, naturally becomes hard. He has continuously to carry his character around himself. That character is like an armour, his protection, his security, his whole life invested in that character. And he always reacts to situations through the character, not directly.
No doubt he can't allow himself to be playful. It is about all the ways in which we set up safe but unnatural routines for ourselves and, by doing so, keep the chaotic and spontaneous away from our doors. Life isn't a business to be managed, its a mystery to be lived.

Soul
I finally understood. No wonder, I was so tired, exhausted from having to hold on to my image of nice gal, afraid of being abandoned, afraid of too much sex, afraid I am a player. I guess its worse for people who are strong willed and is successful, like me and Z.
Previously I tot I was frigid, I tot I cannot be intimate and I was proven wrong by Z. Infact I love it and aim to be good at it, cos its a deliverable and I gave good value.
Anyway, I don't know who I really am. Z is offering me something I never done before and I am up to it.
And I can see Z totally living and adhering to his image. He already set what needs to happen and what can happen. Actually he didn't expect for us to happen and now he is trying his best to contain it. Anyway, I aim to learn my lesson.
Mmm, I wanted Z for the courage. I tot I don't have but I do. I may ding dong but once I made the decision, I stay put no matter how much price I need to pay. Mmm, that's what Z says about me. He admire that I go to India despite all my misgivings.

3. External influence of which u r aware
Rebirth
Everything passes by u, ur consciousness reflects it but it does not get identified.
Camel - sleepy, dull, self satisfied. And is concerned about other's opinions that he hardly has any energy of his own.
Lion - realised we have been missing in life, we start saying no to the demands of others. We move out of the crowd, alone and proud, roaring our truth.
Child - neither acquiescent nor rebellious but innocent and spontaneous, and true to his being.
Wherever u r, be aware that it will evolve into something new if u allow it. It is a time of growth and change.

Soul
I was the lion and now I just accept what life is offering me, I want to live spontaneously. I joined BSP in India spontaneously and look where it got me. I too was so frightened. I guess this steps I am taking is frightening too.

4. What is needed for resolution?
Flowering
Zen wants u living, living in abundance, in totality, intensely. Your life should reach to others. Your blissfulness, ur benediction, ur ecstasy should not be contained within u like a seed. It should open like a flower and spread its fragrance to all and sundry - not only to friends but to the strangers too.

The Queen of Rainbows is like a fantastic plant that has reached the apex of its flowering and its colour. She is very sexual, very alive, and full of possibilities. She snaps her fingers to the music of love and her zodiac necklace is placed in a way that Venus lies over her heart.
The sleeves of her garment contain an abundance of seeds, and as the wind blows, the seeds will be scattered to take root where they may. She is not concerned whether they land on the soil or on the rocks - she is just spreading them everywhere in sheer celebration of life and love.
Flowers fall on her from above, in harmony with her own flowering, and the waters of emotion swirls playfully beneath the flower on which sits.
You might feel like a garden of flowers right now, showered with blessings from everywhere. Welcome the bees, invite the birds to drink ur nectar. Spread ur joy around for all to share.

Soul
For the first time in my life, I am feeling sexual and liberated.
I now can move, can dance, can have sex!!

(Apr 20, Hei, I just realised that I am now following the book, Eat, Pray and Love. I recalled that I always tell people that the books reminds me of myself, except for the part of Love. But now, I am at the phase of Love, amazing how life unfolds!)

5. The Understanding
Guidance
You have to find the inner guide, and that's what I call ur witness. That's what I call ur intrinsic buddha, ur dharma.
You have to awaken that buddha and ur life will shower blessings, benediction. Your life will become so radiant with good, with godliness, more than u can possibly conceive. It is almost like light. Ur room is dark, just bring light in. You simply see, and there is not even a flicker of tot. You simply go out.
The truth of ur deepest being is trying to show u where to go right now, and when this card appears, it means u can trust the inner guidance u r being given.
It speaks in whispers, and sometimes we can hesitate, not knowing if we have understood rightly. But the indications are clear; in following the inner guide, u will feel more whole, more integrated, as if u r moving outwards from the very center of ur being. If u go with it, this beam of light will carry u exactly where u need to go.

Soul
Such turmoil with Z. Everytime I faced him head on, I come out with loads of benefits. Because of overcoming him, I finally found my Being. I can be One with Life.