Cosmic Lesson (31) To lose is to live

Mar 6 Aft

Father, this is difficult. I felt betrayed by him. I tot he really liked me and wanted to have a normal rship, but he just wanted to have fun. I am angry at myself for misinterpreting the situation.

I know I have to go through this, he gave me such heartache, but everytime I faced and overcome my challenge with him, I become freed of my past.
1. Ok with my brother
2. One with water.

I know he holds the key to releasing me physically. I am sad. Now that its out, I feel better. Guess part of me is thinking that I am unlovable again. And since I knew about the law of attraction, I am heartache. Why still have this feeling of unlovability?
Great thing is now my body feels the pain of abandonment too.

I know this lesson of facing my abandonment issue is for me. I accept it. But give me the strength. It took me awhile, but for the first time I am crying.

Father, lift me up.

How did I end up giving people impression that I am a player? Why I want him? I can drop him but I know I need to go through this. I know it sound crazy but I know if I don't go through I will regret it.

We have come this far and surprisingly he stayed on, which I am puzzled. Perhaps he is meant to give my sexual liberation to me. That's all.
I really treasured our deep conversation, we are so upfront on everything. Perhaps that's why we can be so open with each other sexually.
The thing is I want to go with the flow, but he doesn't want to. He always stopped me. When he does that, I got angry cos I don't like to be manipulated.

I also doesn't like that he keep on saying I like him more than him liking me and that his emotion is not involved. It makes me feel shitty. I felt at losing end. To continue is like loosing my pride.

Father, I felt much better now. Just now a giggle came out. Just flow with it. Like Sadhguru says 2 persons can be in a relationship, one can use it to become aware, the other cannot. So, its not for me to show him, its for me to wake up. I am now entering a rship that has a high failure rate, so sacrificing.
I am just sacrificing my ego. The next rship, I won't be afraid.
To lose is to Live.

Like YL said if we set agenda and parameter. We both cannot move. Yeap, he is not allowing us to move naturally. He is capping it and wants us to be the same in the future.
To me, I will stay till I achieved my sexual liberation. After that, I need not stay any further. This is spring time of my life. There will be other guys, he may be the first, he is not the last.

For a moment, I want to share with him, like we share everything. But now I can't. It is sad, we open all our doors earlier, but now the doors are back on. He has cause me to close my inner door. He hurt me and I cannot allow him to come any further. It will now be strictly physical, just like he wanted to.
Just realised it is so difficult to open the inner doors, but so easy to get them closed.

Its sad, perhaps its not real. He just want to break down all my doors so that he can have me. I guess I should be happy then :)

Now updating blog. M happy that I was courageous and has come a long way. Amen. Saw this Osho msg for Tarot

Ripeness
Only if ur meditation has brought u a light that shines in every night, will even death not be a death to u, but a door to divine.

Father, I am glad I read the blog. I have come far with Z. I have really grown. Now of course its difficult cos I tot of future. The present is fine. Z and I still want each other.