Cosmic Reward (9) - perhaps he do care for me

Mar 20 Eve

Father, just now sharing with S on Z. She said he must have cared for me if he didn't force me to do it. I said yeap, he said sex is just a small part and infact he spend time hugging me, sharing his tots with me, sharing his music with me.

I am still not sure if he cared for me but I know he is a kind person and I think he would have done so for any gal. That's how good he is. He is real diamond

I tried to call him but cannot get him. Surprisingly, these days I am fine. I also realised I am not afraid to call him. I don't use the msg. I am not afraid of confrontation, of 'outright' rejection, if any.

To be with him, but not of him. Frankly, if he is smart, he may have realised he is also a bit into me. And as a strategist, he would be distancing from me. I would know, I am one.

Tot of Sathsang guide. Actually I hold on because don't want to lose, its because of pride. I also have some clout..but in the end is for the public speaking training.
By just being a meditator, I can show them what meditation can bring. As a sathsang guide, I am constrained.

Osho - Kabir
You will have to create luminous eyes. Empty eyes are luminous eyes. Cleanse ur eyes; that's what meditation is all about. Let ur past disappear from ur being. Be here now and u will be able to see. God is not somewhere else, God is here now!

Soul
I can now see and feel the aliveness of trees and plants. I think my eyes are luminous.

Osho
Joy is when u accept urself as u r. Joy is a function of immense acceptance.

Soul
Mmm, I didn't know that. I just know when I close my eyes and go within, I feel contented and at ease. Thereafter laughter will come bubbling out from lower stomach.

Osho
A perfectionist cannot relax and he cannot allow anybody else to relax. Let-go is impossible for him and he will condemn anybody who is living a relaxed life. These neurotics have created hell as a punishment for all of those who are not perfectionists. They have crucified themselves; now they cannot allow u to go on enjoying life.

Soul
Mmm, tot of teacher. She is like a dog who cannot let go. And here I am totally lackaisidal and she cannot stand it.

Osho
Only the stretched souls can create music - stretched between polarities. A man who can be angry and totally angry will be able to be in love and totally in love. Togetherness and aloneness, that is the polarity.


Soul
Tot of what I discussed with BE. No dilemma, no growth.
Tot of me and Z. Last Tue, we had our fill of each other. And we can afford to take a break from one another.

Osho
First prepare urself in meditation. Meditation means a totless silence, a totless awareness, peace. When that peace is there, one day prayer bursts forth. U simply see a bud opening in ur being, ur heart becomes a flower and there is much fragrance. That fragrance is prayer and u bow down. Now God is no more far away, he is very close by.
Prayer is of grace and happens effortlessly. Meditation can be of effort. Prayer is a reward to meditator, it is a consequence. Meditation makes u receptive. In that receptivity u start hearing God talking to u. Real prayer is when God talks to u, unreal prayer is when u talk to God.

Soul
Me seeing the aliveness of trees. Me opening my arms to hug them and be hugged. Me singing and dancing with the trees.