Cosmic Lesson (24) - running away

Mar 3 Aft

Father, I felt I got a big slap from him. Here I was being vulnerable and tot of him this morning. He said I should control myself as we are having fun without commitment. Of cos, my abandonment issue arise and first thing I want to do is run away. I start to says that I can walk away. I have already proven to myself my body is in alignment and I can now respond. I don't need to prove myself further. I need not put myself through this. When someone has an abandonment issue, its difficult even with a committed partner, what's more with someone that's is uncommitted. What have I got myself into??

Later I calmed down, I didn't run away immediately. I asked him what he meant by commitment. This is a first to me, that I asked first before running away.

Father, the other part of abandonment is needing. I need not be afraid there is no other persons. They are. The thing is I am already happy.

Father, my card said
Issue - Integration - a clear yes or no
Internal - Ordinary - no need to be special, just be myself.
External.
What to do - releasing of suppression
Resolution - no postponement.

Just now without his msg, based on this and Nine of Spade, I tot just to close this deal and I wanted to handle it asap.

But now I am not sure. Why put myself through this. I first started becos I like him and I tot he like me too. He then said he didn't but I didn't want to let go and we came out with the idea.
I didn't want to let go cos he help me to release the inner and then also outer. I was afraid I can't find another one.

Net net I want him. But he has repeatedly say he only want fun.

Father, alas I told him I cannot do it. We r different and I don't want to act as if I can do it, especially my abandonment issue still intact. I am not that type of person, just wasn't built that way. Now that I have ended it. I felt better.
And its fine, I am feeling stronger now. I no longer take this break up as a reflection of me.

He is meant to help me to release my past and to let me see that I am responsive.
I to help him to see his divorce in a different light and how he contributed to it as he has placed his wife in the lowest priority.
We fulfilled each other bargain.

Father, I am fine. I just know that I deserved to be loved. I won't hold myself to a guy that cannot love yet.

This is my spring time.

Father, suddenly I sang "A whole new world". I am ready. I deserved to do justice to myself.