Neediness and being unavailable is the same.

Feb 25 Aft


I was unavailable previously. As for An, it was a case of me projecting my need to him. But I wasn't being needy.

Because I am afraid of being abandoned, I attracted an unavailable guy for me to overcome my fear.

When I am afraid of being abandoned, I can become needy, but it is not something I want cos to me its a loss of control.

When I am afraid of being abandoned, I can become unavailable, which sits better with me.

Now I know why I'd didn't like the idea, we took turns to pay for our rendevouz. At first I tot it was becos I was hurt

I don't want to open up cos I wan to run. I don't want a lover.

My greatest fear is to be abandon. In order to avoid abandonment, I cannot allow myself to fall in love. I cannot allow myself to need anyone.
(Actually I am not available)


To have intimacy with u is a prelude of my commitment to u. Commitment to me means to stay put. And if I stay put, I may fell in love with u. And if I fell in love with u, I may need u. And if I need u, then u may abandon me.

Father, since I cannot allow myself to love another, I too cannot allow others to love me.

That's why those who could love me, I reject them. I went for those whom I cannot love and I can run anytime I want and there is no possibility of being abandon by them.

Here u give me a man that's want to have intimacy asap. The one thing that can lead me to commit. The one thing that trigger my abandonment issue. Perfect.

(Apr 2 - he confessed that he prefers to be the paying party. Infact, the first time, it was difficult for him, but he let it go because he wants us to proceed. He didn't want to block us. Second time, he took, and third time, he said no way, he cannot take it anymore. I too told him that I was feeling disappointed, but I was fine with it.)