Cosmic Reward (3)

Mar 14 Late Aft

Aiyoh, I tot I decided and now at the execution, I am deliberating. Also the timing seems to be against both of us. Anyway, I am still resourceful and have tot of alternatives, but still not executing.
Father, I need help. I want him.

1. The Issue
Existence
The stars, the rocks, the trees, the flowers, fish and birds - all our brothers and sisters in this dance of life.
Home is not a physical place in the outside world, but an inner quality of relaxation and acceptance.
Now is the time to look at whether u r allowing urself to receive the extraordinary gift of feeling "at home" wherever u r.
If u r, savour it so it deepen and remain with u.
If on the other hand, u have been feeling like the world is out to get u, its time to take a break.

Soul
Honestly, I feel at home. Even during sleep, no more teeth grinding.
I tot 1 week to go, and its just a simple nite out and my Seven of Heart be over. Looks like its not. Somehow the timing seems to enforce us to execute our plans.

2. Internal influence that u r unable to see
Projections
Your mind is at the back of the whole thing and the mind is the projector. But u always look at the other, because the other is the screen.

Soul
I always said he is not available and doesn't care enough to make it work for us. Doesn't prioritise me. In reality, its me who is wishy washy and escaping. He has been very focused. Actually it was him who has drive our rship till this stage and he ensured we stayed together and focused. If its up to me, it would have been gone. Its true he keep on saying no commitment, but he is the one focus on making us happen. When I was in my moods, he cajoled me out of it. When I want to run, he comfort me and give me room. When I was uncertain to share my concern, out of worry of hurting his feelings or worry how he thinks of me, he would gave me the support to tell him. His words are that we have always been honest with each other, we tell each other everything.
Yea, it was him who holds us together despite him reiterating he doesn't want commitment.

3. External influence
Schizophrenia
Man is split. If u want to say "yes", immediately the "no" is there. You cannot utter a simple word "yes" with totality...In this way, happiness is not possible unhappiness is a natural consequence of a split personality.
Whatever decision we make, we will always wonder if we should have decided the other way. The only way out of this dilemma is, unfortunately to let go of both at once. U can't work ur way out. Better to follow ur heart and just jump.

Soul
Yea, firstly meetings, then menses and worry abt 3 days things and then not free for another 2 weekends. Z already know its not easy for weekend and hence proposed weekday.
And now I realised I too need to jump. I want him, period.

4. What is needed for resolution
The Outsider
Be a woman, stand on ur own feet. The only way to be connected with existence is to go inwards, because at the center u r still connected. U cannot see it, so u have to go deep down with great awareness
Whenever we feel "left out" or excluded, it brings up this feeling of being a small, helpless child.
U have an opportunity now to stop the tape, to quit tormenting urself with ideas that u r somehow not "enough" to be accepted and included. Recognise the roots of these feelings in the past and let go of the old pain. It will bring u the clarity to see how u can open the gate and enter that which u most long to become.

Soul
Father, I felt like Universe doesn't want me to be with Z and I start to feel not sure of my decision. Why so difficult to execute. I don't know where to start. Like everywhere I turned, there is some block. And now I realised the block is me. I have relegated him only to weekend and weekday for myself only. Problem is weekend also includes family, friends and Isha.

I felt bit overwhelmed with so many other schedules, how to fit him in. I have created a world without him and now another person and I have to make room.
And If I doesn't want the other parts of my life to be disrupted, I have to open up weekday for him. Its just like my practices. I know I want them and since I wanted my other parts of life, I open up my early mornings by 2 hours daily.
The door is for me to open. People says cannot find time to meditate. I can and I just make time by waking up earlier. So, the same with Z then. Amen, I found my answer.

5. Resolution
Possibilities
Man can accept boundary anywhere. But the reality is that, by its very nature, existence cannot have any boundary, because what will be beyond the boundary? - again another sky

The eagle has all the possibilities contained in the landscape below as he flies freely, naturally and effortlessly through the sky. He is really in his domain, very grand and self-contained.
U r at the point where a world of possibilities is open to u. Because u have grown more loving towards urself, more self-contained, u can work easily with others. Because u r relaxed and at ease, u can recognise possibilities as they present themselves.
Because u are in tune with ur own nature, u understand that existence is providing u with exactly what u need.
Enjoy the flight! And celebrate all the varied wonders of the landscape spread before u.