Facing my karma in relationship (43a) - abandonment

Mar 8 Aft
Yea, I met my match. I am strong and he is stronger still or perhaps I am more open. Need not see this as a loss per se. I am now moving towards mySelf and he is sticking to his hard won self. Very understandable. I too was afraid but now can take it.


Evening
D and I shared our challenges. She too had a difficult time last week and it was Sunday too. She cried and I cried. Like me, she also said she can't take it anymore and want a break. And both of us got answer that we need to stay in our relationship.
Like she said we are staying not because of the man but because we know we need them as part of our spiritual transformation.
Earlier, when negative tots on Z came in, I quickly switched to watching my breath. So I thanked him for accelerating my path.

Today a fellow meditator asked me not to swing my feet during sathsang as it was not becoming of a teacher. I said I am not a teacher but she said I am having the seat and so I am.

Mmm, called Z but no response. I chickened out and hang up. So, now I have to work on my breath and next thing is ego will follow on his non-response. Father, to do also die, not to do also die. Ego doesn't let me win either way.

Mmm, a tot came. Since ego won't let me win either way, then I might as well walked the path I want to go and forget about its judgement and opinions of me. I want to disidentify from my mind.

I finally realised Z is the spiritual catalyst. Because I don't want to suffer anymore on matters of hearts, the only way is to disengage from my mind.

Father, just like I expect. Immediately a tot came on Z that he didn't want to pick my phone. I said nope and it said why not since he didn't want to reply my msg. I asked for a positive tot and it came. Its ok to hunt for something u want. Even if people reject, u preservere.
I already lost the game. Why hold on to my pride? Why still resist? Even if he wanted to play the game, I need not react.

The Power of Now
Once u have disidentified from ur mind, whether u r right or wrong makes no difference to ur sense of self at all, so the forcefully compulsive and deeply unconscious need to be right, which is a form of violence, will no longer be there.

U can state clearly and firmly how u feel or what u think, but there will be no aggresiveness or defensiveness about it. Your sense of self is then derived from a deeper and truer place within urself, not from the mind. Power over others is weakness disguised as strength. True power is within and is available to Now.

Soul
Tot of me in Samurai Game, I was dead, I lost but there is a sense of self that is not lost.

The Power of Now
Another aspect of the egoic mind is a deep-seated sense of lack or incompleteness, of not being whole.
If it is conscious, it manifest as the unsettling and constant feeling of not being worthy or good enough.
If its unconscious, it will be felt indirectly as an intense craving, wanting and needing.
In either case, people will often enter into a compulsive pursuit of ego-gratification and things to identify with in order to fill this hole they feel within. So, they after money, success, power, recognition, or special relationship, basically so that they can feel better about themselves, feel more complete. But even after they attain all, they soon find it is bottomless.
The ego's needs are endless. It feels vulnerable and threatened and so lives in a state of fear and want.