Cosmic Reward (4)

Mar 14 Eve

The Power of Now
Observe the many ways in which unease, discontent and tension arise within u through unnecessary judgement, resistance to what is, and denial of the Now.
Anything unconscious dissolves when u shine the light of consciousness on it. Once u learn how to dissolve the ordinary consciousness, the light of ur presence will shine brightly and it will be much easier to deal with deep unconsciousness.

Soul
Yeap, now on deep unconsciousness. The good thing is that God send Z as the Cosmic lesson to help me accelerate the dissolvement.

Evening
On the way back, I saw boss judging the other guy, saying he is autocratic and dominating. Actually I realised that she acted bit mousy or feminine with the Datuk. Guess instead of saying she didn't assert her power, she said the other guy is dominating. For me, I don't have an issue in asserting myself.

With that I asked God for help to make me see my judgement of teacher. Make me conscious. I know I am not like her but why am I affected. Then a tot hit me, relentless criticism from authority, ie my brother. I am grown up woman and I found my voice.

I recalled I also asked my brother to stop but he continued to criticised me relentlessly, which is the same way he is criticising his daughter. Now I know that he does love me and his daughter and he just wants to make us stronger. But I don't bloom under criticism, it will only make me attack him and if I can't win, I will crawl back to my shell.

So, I found my voice with teacher. Like brother, she too is in authority and her criticism is relentless to the point of witch hunting, which I think my brother does. Every little thing he would criticise me.

My note to teacher:
If u cannot motivate, don't trample.
You don't treat a flower, the same way u treat a stone.
If u continue to trample, the flower will die.

So, I offer to withdraw from sathsang instead of being trampled by u.
I valued Isha and I don't want my feelings and commitment to the path to be affected by you. So, I withdraw as Sathsang Guide. I know what I can offer as Sathsang guide, but you seems to think otherwise. If not, you would not continue to trample me despite me telling you.

The good feeling of being a Sathsang guide is not worth the price of having to be trampled by you. Please find a replacement who can withstand your treatment. If u still want me to, I will do April sathsang. The IE teacher can guide the new person to do May sathsang.
I will continue with my love and commitment to the path.


Soul
Father, I say yes to Z. And now I am saying no to teacher. Yesterday, I have a fun time because I was not a teacher. I just want to enjoy the sathsang, I am not suitable to be. I don't derive any satisfaction per se. Of course, I want to do a good job, but that's me, just wanting to ensure good deliverable, rather than wanting to be a sathsang guide.

I spoke to Z and he knows I already handle pressure at work and don't need the additional stress. Besides, he knows I just want to be normal meditator.

Father, the pain body of heavy criticism. Actually I am not surprised that teacher and I crossed words. I have never like her style. I let her be because she doesn't cross over me. Then I put myself up in order to defend others. When she attack me, its just time for me to retaliate. And being a sathsang guide is not for me then. I have no 'yes' on keeping it.