Cosmic Lesson (20) - abandonment

Feb 23
I can debate all that I want. But net net is I want him and he is still a good man. He doesn't behave the way I want to and perhaps I also don't behave the way he wanted.

Healing
It is a time when the deeply buried wounds of the past are coming to the surface, ready and available to be healed.
Be aware of ur wound. Don't help it to grow, let it be healed. Live a headless life and there would be no more wound. Someone insults u, accept it, don't react and see what happens.

In this attitude of openness and acceptance, we can be healed and help others to be healthy and whole.

Soul
Yday, I had open up my long buried wound. I experience it as body pain. I never knew that I was afraid of being abandoned. I think in job also like that, I always need to make myself useful so I can't be abandoned. In rship, I go out with guy who want me, I don't show up my true self so I won't be abandon.

Z's behaviour is also totally out, so unbecoming and helped to trigger. Guess he was acting as my Pluto. And I came to my senses when I watch the tv show of suffering in Africa and I also recalled Z's struggles to be a successful person and he become my Saturn. I suddenly realised mine was just a mind problem, just ego, not real. I called him.
Anyway, his saving grace, he called me nearly midnite.

What is needed
Creativity
It is an attitude, an inner approach - how u look at things. Whatsoever u do, if u do it joyfully, if you do it lovingly, if ur act of doing is not purely economical, then it is creative.

Soul
My forte is people. I seem to be able to see past the ego and hence I am emphatetic. But at times I am resentful, why I need to be. Why can't Z see it and act too. Why have to be me??

My destiny as a Transformational Leader is a difficult path, as I always have to take the lead.
Knowing my issue on abandonment and yet I got a partner that always forget about me. Whose last priority is relationship. So, I will be experiencing abandonment continuously and triggering my body pain. (Apr 2 - as confirmed by his personality test - ESTJ)

A tot came on healing. Yea, perfect lesson. I am grateful that while Z is a Pluto, he is also my Saturn. What I have to go thru is nothing compared to him. My heart goes out to him.

Transformation - new level of understanding
Renewal
Where there is no past, there is no future, only then there is peace.

Soul
I know I am projecting future with Z and it doesn't look great. Actually not even sure if we got a future.
I am also afraid of my abandonment issue.
Yea, at least I am conscious of my wound and Z's wound. I know my path and his role in my destiny.

Transformation - inner understanding to be worked on
That which never dies
Remember, each moment, what u r accumulating - is it going to be taken away by death. Then it is not worth bothering about.

If it is not going to be taken away by death, then even life can be sacrificed for it.

Soul
This is talking about openness and total acceptance. Yeap, I already know I have to accept cos net net I want him and I knows he plays a role in my destiny.

Expect a Miracle
Mantra - I am willing to see things differently.

Change is often scary and uncomfortable, and we all move at our own pace and in our own perfect way. When we expect this about ourselves and trust that situations and circumstances will arise to continue giving us the opportunity to shift our energy.

Knowing that change is always waiting for us to access its miracle, we can be patient with and therefore act out of love rather than fear. Simply be willing, to be willing to move through what is uncomfortable.

When ur mind is open, there is a magnetic energy that draws to you like-minded individuals.


Soul
Z's plays the key role. I know and I do thanked him everyday in my prayer.

Things I need to change
1. Face my wound of abandonment. Face the feeling of uncertainty that I would be kept or abandon.

I am afraid for the wound to come out cos I tot I would be trapped forever. But it came out yday and I experienced it and I still live. My joy is still intact.
I can face it already.

I also know that I am always Home. So one can truly abandon me.


2. Change my negative tots.

I am afraid to have positive tots cos don't want to give myself false hopes that resulted in bigger fall. I want to avoid sadness. I am not hopeful that anything good can happen.

But I now know that by avoiding sadness, I prevent happiness from coming in.
By losing faith, I gave up hope. I am going to have faith in me.

3. Be open to receiving. Know that I deserved to be loved by someone as lovable as me or better.

I tot I was not lovable and I given up hope. I tot I just accept any guys who are keen on me.
I now know I am a diamond. And I can afford to wait for a diamond too.
I deserved to be loved. Perhaps at times the mode may not be what I expect or could be delay in timing. Main thing is that I am lovable irrespective of any proof.

Expect a Miracle
Inner knowing does not result from a balance sheet of pros and cons. It's a kind of silent, pre-lingual inclination.
Inner guidance has nothing to do with linear thinking - it has to do with the soul's connection to that which is good and pure and right for u.

Soul
Like my experience of Z. I can have all the debate I want. But I am silenced by "He is a good man and I want him"
My mind can see the good in him but caution that I might be hurt. My body is very attracted to him. My feeling is keen on him too.

Expect a Miracle
He asked his wife to let go of all tots on which town to choose. He said on that on her left lay the new town and her right the old. Then he asked her to let the body "decide" by stepping in either direction and that would be the right place.

Soul
My body wants him. I can deny all that I want.

Suddenly recalled Healing - live a headless life. Move as a total being and accept things.

I want him and its true there is much uncertainty. And when I am afraid I can't move. Well, I am moving to him. Amen

(Apr 2 - I tot it was the worst challenge in my life...but turn out is not.)