My happiness and unhappiness

Mar 7
Father, did my practices. It was fine. Suria was effortless. I just focused on my breath. Shakti and shambavi was fine too. I was surprised that despite a week of non-practice, I was fine.
Tot of me not liking red. I think its because there is hidden passion in me. Z's role was to faciltate me to express my hidden passion. Father, m looking forward to be intimate with him. Mmm, I am fine today. I am slowly learning my tots are not me, they are false.

Positivity
Watch ur tots, words and beliefs. Eliminate every negative - including gossip, doubt and fear
Decide on ur personal goal and ur vision for ur community and the world.
Then focus wholeheartedly on it. Your life must inevitably accelerate, so expect to move forward now.
Success awaits u.

Soul
I am looking forward to Z. Need not be in future. The worst case is I may be a player myself and that's a happy problem.

Did this list during Soul Sister pgm, a good reminder on what grabs me;

Happiness is me feeling contented in my own space
Happiness is me having a good cup of coffee and some good dessert.
Happiness is when I am meditating.
Happiness is when I am with my family.
Happiness is when I am sharing my Insight.
Happiness is when I am doing my writing.
Happiness is when i m connected with something that interest me.
Unhappiness is when I am closed up, afraid to come out.
Unhappiness is when I am rejected.
Unhappiness is when I am not feeling secure.
Unhappiness is when I am feeling humiliated


Soul
No wonder pain body was activated. The situation with Z last Friday activated all my unhappiness. I am fine now. But I am not calling becos I can see my projection of abandonment to him. He doesn't need my msg, it was me that need it. Amen.
Father, now that mind knows I don't believe in their negativity, it starts to turn around spurting pleasurable tots instead. Very cunning. For a moment, felt so pleasurable that I wanted to msg Z. Then I stop, I want to maintain till Thur. Don't get hooked by the mind again. Both pain and pleasure is theirs to wield. In order to be true, I cannot believe bot.

(Apr 20 - looking at my happiness..i realised I am contented and happy most of the time. My list of unhappiness shows why I am afraid of relationship as it triggers my abandonment mode. When it is triggered, I cannot move.)

The Power of Now
If u r pulled into unconscious identification with the emotion through lack of presence, which is normal, the emotion temporarily becomes "you". Often a vicious circle builds up between ur thinking and the emotion; they feed each other. By dwelling mentally on the situation, event or person that is the perceived cause of the emotion, the tot feeds energy to the emotion, which in turn energises the tot pattern, and so on.
Emotion is fear, but apart from a continuous sense of threat, it also includes a deep sense of abandonment and incompleteness. It may be best to use a term that is undifferentiated as that basic emotion called "pain".

One of the main tasks of the mind is to fight or remove that emotional pain, which is one of the reason for its incessant activity, but all it can ever achieve is to cover it up temporarily.
In fact, the harder the mind struggles to get rid of the pain, the greater the pain.

The mind can never find the solution, nor can it afford to allow u to find the solution, because it is itself an intrinsic part of the "problem". Imagine a chief of police trying to find an arsonist, when the arsonist is the chief of police.

You will not be free of that pain until u cease to derive ur sense of self from identification with the mind, which is to say from ego. The mind is then toppled from its place of power and Being reveals itself as ur true nature.

Soul
Amen
Father, I was feeling cheeky and sensual and I msg him after I read my weekly Osho. I just react. I need not manage my life. Such irony, I tot our commn is doomed and not sure how to continue. Looks like I can never trust myself to predict future again.
And I no longer trust my false self.

Five of Clubs
Change of mind and plan.
Signal a change in ur life. U will likely feel a dissatisfaction with things as they are and want to progress into new areas.