Cosmic Reward (1)

Mar 14

Father, woke up worrying about Z"s finance. Suddenly have flashback of dad's bankruptcy and us being unable to pay the monthly fee of 20 dollars to the trishaw peddler and I have to sit behind his bicycle instead. Also I recalled that Z has the same chinese zodiac.

Of course, my mind was having a field day. I told myself I don't have a problem now. Its not like we r married or whatever.

But I am glad I was able to share with Z my feeling that I have never dated a guy who is financially desperate. He try to explain his financial cycle and etc. He said that its ok if I am not willing and he can wait. I am also glad I stand up to my rights. Father, we r now close that we r discussing financials. While part of me doesn't like his situation, but I like that he was honest and courageous enough to ask for pricing and tell me. It would be bad if he hide and tell me later. That's why I said I trust him.

And I agree with him that we really need a place of our own.

Father, I am also connecting to the trees today. And I find that it keep me present too. I felt them so alive.

(Apr 23 - he is open with me, until he would show me his bank statements, he tells me his debt commitment and etc. For someone who says he cannot commit, he sure is disclosing loads of personal information to me.)

The Power of Now
To realise that ultimately time is an illusion, u need to live it. When every cell of ur body is so present that it feels vibrant with life, and when u can feel that life every moment as the joy of Being, then it can be said u r free of time.

Loss of Now is the problem. The core delusion that turns a mere situation, event, or emotion into a personal problem and into suffering. Loss of Now is loss of Being.

To be free of time is to be free of the psychological need of past for ur identity and future for ur fulfillment.

Soul
Tot of me. The situation with Z has forced me off my normal identity. I am now doing things I have never done before.
I used to worry about future but now I just focus on the present cos otherwise I won't be able to move.

The Power of Now
When u have had ur first few glimpses of the timeless state of consciousness, u begin to move back and forth between the dimension of time and presence. U lose the Now and u return to it, again and again. Eventually presence becomes ur predominant state.

Soul
I am now alternating. I found nature helps me to focus back. Earlier it was the suffering with Z that make me go back to the Now. But I don't want to wait for suffering, it doesn't have to be a push factor, I want it to be a pull factor instead and I found it in my trees.

I also noted that for the past few days, I didn't grind my teeth during sleep. That's means I am at ease.

The Power of Now
The best indicator of ur level of consciousness is how u deal with life's challenges when they come. Through those challenges, an already unconscious tends to become more deeply unconscious, and a conscious person more intensely conscious.
U can use a challenge to awaken u or u can pull u into even deeper sleep. The dream of ordinary then turns into a nightmare.
These challenges are ur tests. Only the way in which u deal with them will show u and others where u r at as far as ur state of consciousness is concerned, not how long u can sit with ur eyes closed or what visions u see.

Soul
Mmm, looks like I am quite conscious.

The Power of Now
So, it is essential to bring more consciousness into ur life in ordinary situations when everything is going relatively smoothly. In this way, u grow in presence power. It generates an energy field in u and around u of a high vibrational frequency. No unconsciousness, no discord or violence can enter that field and survive.

Soul
I am on the right track with the kriyas and hata yoga.

The Power of Now
When u learn to be the witness of ur tots and emotions, which is an essential part of being present, u may be surprised when u first become aware of the background "static" of ordinary unconsciousness and realise how rarely, if ever, u r truly at ease within urself.

Soul
I can see my tots is always past and future. I can see the mind always trying to hook me.