Cosmic Lesson (18) - pain body

Feb 22 Aft
Father, just did shoonya. Regardless of the external, my joy stays.

Father, I really want Z. He has his issues and so I have mine too. But in the end, he is a diamond and so am I.

I was happy and just send him a text. No immediate reply and my ego is acting overtime. I ignored it as Z is probably busy. He would reply immediately whenever he can. And if not, he will replied at night.

I did my wish list and coincidentally matches Z. But I admit I still have doubt. And I know is coming from past experience and disappointment and not from my ability to magnetise a future reality that fit my needs like a glove.


Expect a miracle
Openness to miracle
See urself in a relationship with this "man" and visualised all kinds of interactions with him and conversely, stopped wanting or demanding him from the universe.

Be open to the possibility that u could infact be so lucky to find a man with all the qualities u deemed important. The way out is by a willingness to change, to be receptive in a whole new way, and to be in the world without being chained to ur old and familiar limitations.

There are always reasons to stop us from moving forward in our development as human beings, and certainly as partners. Part of the process of self-actualising is meeting our fears and demons head on, grappling with them and coming out stronger and more powerful. There is nothing in life worthwhile that has been gained easily and without great emotional effort.
Perhaps we are given these obstacles to overcome, in order that we might know our strength for having successfully overcome them.

Soul
When I did my partner's qualities inventory listing. It was mine also. I now know I am a diamond and none of the guy I ever met has my qualities.

Things I need to change
1. Face my wound of abandonment. Face the feeling of uncertainty,

2. Change my negative tots.

3. Be open to receiving. Know that I deserved to be loved by someone as lovable as me or better.

4. Buy new clothings, inner and outer. Want to feel sexy.

Late afternoon
Negative tot came in again. I am ignoring.
Father, help. I don't want to open door of hell.
I had a good cry in the toilet. Then I comfort the child in me. At first I said that u r not being abandoned. But I know I cannot control Z, so I said that even if u r abandoned, u r fine. I am here, we are adult now and we found our Home.

Father, for the first time I experienced the pain body. So delibitating. I can't move. I can't breathe. I have cried some.
Father, how to take them all out.
I now knew I didn't want rship cos I tot I cannot find someone that can accept me. I tot I was unlovable, not good enough.
In reality is becos I am too good.
If my partner cannot accept me, I cannot flower.
I am a beautiful flower.
All the ego wanted to do is to protect the beautiful flower. I tot it was becos I have no worth thats I was afraid to find. The truth is that I am a jewel.
The ego was protecting the jewel.

From not good enough to very good.
From unlovable to lovable
From not worthy to be a jewel.
I am the unpolished diamond. That's why I can see the diamond in Z eventhough he was unpolish.

All these while, I never liked anyone of my potential partner dressing. But I never say anything for fear thar they abandon me.

For the first time in my life, I actually made a request. Now I knew why the fear. When he didn't reply immediately I tot I had pissed him off and now he would abandon me.

(Apr 2- In reality, he took my advise. He always wanted to know what colour I like to see in him. When he dressed for important meeting, he wore the colour that I told him to wear and he even text me his pix. Later, he helped me to save the pix in the folder. He wants me to see it. He liked my dressing and whenever I dressed well, he said he gave me full marks. So...reality is totally different!)

Father, my long range is Nine of heart. Apart from rebirth of relationship with boss and Gm. O am also facing death of how I approach romantic rship.

For someone who assert strongly everywhere, hate to have to seek approval is actually seeking approval in romantic relationship. I have hidden myself. Like P said I am not myself in romantic rship. I lost my shine.

Father, guide me. First impulse is to eliminate him. To run.