Facing my fear on Z again - just need to be in middle

Apr 30 eve
Father, just now suddenly of Z in the afternoon. Missed him terribly. But the anxiousness for him is over now.

Did my evening Shoonya. I went in real deep. Such utter silence. Mmm, after a few years, finally on Shoonya; felt like I came out of deep sleep.

Now much later at night. Tot of him came, but no more anxiousness. But the buzzing still there. Honestly not sure if its love or fear. But most likely fear. I want to reach out but afraid of rejection again. I want to reach out but afraid of looking like a fool without pride. I want to reach out but afraid of getting entangled. I want to each out but afraid that if he response I will wrongly hoped. So either he respond or not, both way also no go. Suddenly I tot my body is standstill. I m feeling afraid. Body is clamping up, heart beat has quicken slightly.

Just checked out his whatsapp. He looks happy. Just leave him be. Aiyah.

Be the Change
When the ego is wounded, it points finger and sees the person as the cause of the suffering but it does not recognise how, by holding on to our hurt feelings, we are simply creating more grief for ourselves.

Soul
This prompt me to just face it.
Finally msg him on teacher. I know Isha is an important social cause for him. But I quickly deleted the whatsapp Don't want to get entangle again.

Father, I love him and thank him for being my mirror. Suddenly tot, love is my nature. We may not be together, but need not be enemy. Otherwise such contradiction, me thanking him daily during my practices and outside can't even face him. I m smiling when I write this. Just face my fear consciously, don't run away.

I can see my Parental mode judging me for losing control and put myself up for being hurt, not validated. Father, its ok not to have control. I love him. I was hurt terribly but I learned to see myself. I learned to love myself. I cannot be hurt anymore. If anything, just ego dent.

My daily msg, I am rich, smart, spiritual and loving came up. Feels better. I love him. Stay in the middle. Reach out to him when I feel the urge but stay back if no urge. Be in the Middle. No need to suppress or control.

Be the Change
Understanding the pain or the motivation behind an act of betrayal or violence can help emotional turmoil to deepen into empathy, for if someone hurt, it is invariably because he is hurting himself. Inner turmoil will spill out and harm anyone or anything in its way.

Soul o
Yea, he hurt me. I don't have his natal chart of South Node and Lunar in Leo, so I can't judge him. And with the pain, I found my mirror in him. With the pain, I finally found my true self and finally I know I m lovable on my own. Amen

Be the Change
We all have the potential to hurt each other as much as we have the potential to love. In the quiet of meditation, we connect more deeply with this latent potential and can touch on our fundamental equality and basic goodness.

Soul
I m glad I msg him. I felt better now. I m love. I m thankful to him for being my mirror, my cosmic lesson.
Without this experience, I wouldn't have courage to face my Saturn in Aries and Pluto in Virgo. Amen