Handling my inner Parent - my shadow brother

Apr 29
Father, had a weird dream. I knew it was a dream. But body was good and I woke up on alarm.
Surya kriya was good. Breathing was lovely. I didn't want to stop. Shakti was good with proper Kapala Bhakti. Shambavi fine with good Suka kriya and I noticed my body keep moving during aim chanting. Towards the end I was still singing.
All these despite tots of the email. The tots were there constantly but somehow it didn't really affect my focus on my practices.

When I was done, I saw my boss email reply that she was traumatised by the loss of her bag and she wish violent death on the person. This is so opposite of my reaction when my bag was snatched. I was not even angry at them and can even emphasise that their life must be bad for them to resort to crime. I think no one wants to do crime; just like no one wants to do prostitution.

So when I received an unfair feedback. Why not project it out? Why keep it inside?

I knew it was not a fair feedback. And it beyond my control. I could have said she is a worst leader than me. She put off more people than me. So does N. But alas, our feedback is always ignored. That's one story.

But I want to master not to take feedback personally especially when I know its not gospel truth. I knew I am affected cos I tot I had to be perfect. Well, I m not a perfect leader nor a perfect person but that doesn't detract my lovability. Father, tell me more. Let me go in. I don't want to focus on them. They r just playing a role for me to face my Pluto in Virgo.

Father, a tot came. Just like my five year old nephew. Sometimes he is really nice and at times bad tantrum and become attacking. Do I take it personally or see it as just him being temperamental or tired or unhappy or etc. Mmm, one or two times I took it personally but most time I just waived it as him.

So, for teacher and N - I knew they are like that. Can be temperamental and always think they are right. So, why am I affected? Is it because the mail include others and I lose face? Aiyah. This will pass but it comes back too. 

Be the Change
Michael Bernard beckwith
One of the greatest gift of meditation is the realisation that nothing stays forever, but that everything is impermanent.

Soul
This is same msg as Osho - Change

It's my control. I m judging myself for letting them have a chance to attack me. I let my guard down. I m feeling stupid for losing my control. 

No wonder it hit me hard. It is not just the feedback. It is me judging myself for allowing the feedback to occur. It is my control issue.

Father, suddenly a calmness came. Yea, me judging myself after they judge me. If the feedback was fair and given to me personally, I would have just accepted it. But her intention is to put me down. It was not a constructive criticism.
I felt stupid for forgetting about her and N. I also know N's anger is over the advert issue. I wounded him and he defended his wound in another situation. His response email on the columnist is to assert his authority. Just like teacher assert hers by putting me down.
Yea. Me judging myself for letting down my guard; for forgetting that they work as a team and both very protective of each other.
 I even judged myself for coming back to Isha and gave them the opportunity to hurt me. Yea, I m hurt. I m sad that after all I did, they can't let this small mistake goes off. And I m normally not pushy but I was worried cos no one to house teacher and also I wanted people to intro more. That's all. Instead of seeing my concern, they attacked me.
And I blame myself for putting me back into the place. I want to run again. But not now, maybe after the programme in May. One more month.

Father, I truly judged myself double. It is not just others judging me, its me judging myself too. Why do I judge myself so much? A tot came, cos my brother judged me mercilessly. He said he judged me cos he loves me. Well, I didn't experience it. My brother is not here but I m judging myself. Mmm, a tot came. I used to also blame myself when my brother judge me. I used to say why I give him the opportunity to judge me. Why can't I avoid it? Why I let my guard down?
I recalled a year ago, similar incident with teacher and I identify her as brother.
In actual fact, I m like my brother. I said I love myself but I beat myself up with internal judgement after I received external judgement.
To the outside world and to myself, I tot I love myself. But now I can finally see I beat myself up. I m contradictory too. I m affected by my inner self. What I fear is not the world judgement. What I fear is  my inner judgement on myself. Because I judge myself mercilessly; I project it to the world.

Father, finally the answer. My brother lives in me. He is the most intense rship I have. He was a Nine of Heart; same like N.