Gemini in Rising

May 1 eve
Father, I just realised that it is difficult to see myself without the self control.
Self control protects me from hurt. But it also protects me from joy.
As I told A, self control is not self mastery.
Avoiding Z is not self mastery. It is self control

Sadhguru
Failure is bad enough. Fear of failure add spice to it. Success happens only if u own it.
If u set larger goals in life, there is no failure.
Success and failure is not about money. It is not dependent upon the recognition that u find in the world.
U r successful in life if u know how to walk with joy through hell.
Ur failure could be extreme good for well being. What is success and failure is only ur idea.
Don't make things that u create larger than ur life. That's why u suffer. If ignorance doesn't bring suffering, why would u seek enlightenment.

Soul
When I m in disturbance. I truly dislike it. I view it as loss of self control. But it is those moments that gain me deeper into me.

Yea. Me avoiding Z and yet he has been instrumental in my growth and I love and thank him daily in my prayer. Truly contradictory.
Can I accept him as my friend?  

Father, I broke the immobility. I called twice but no response. Mmm, ok. He could be avoiding my call. But what's important is I try to open up. I may not know the outcome but avoidance is never the answer.  But I won't be calling him for now since he is not ready. Of maybe I m not so ready either.

Gemini in Rising
Relationships
In the beginning, It's easy for u to only see ur partner's good points and the possibility the spiritual path will transform him into the vision u see.
Once u r involved on a close level, u can reverse urself and use ur intelligence to battle with him - trying to get him to become the person u assumed he was. This results in ur partner feeling the need to distance himself from u and he may decide to go his own way.

Soul
Yea, I see Z as rich, smart, spiritual and loving. Alas he is not. But he could be.
And in actual fact I am. Perhaps he is insecure with me.
With him I didn't really force him but I just don't let him forced me to be like him. I would say he try to influence me more than I did him.

But with friends that I counsel. I used to come on strong but not so for the last few years.

Gemini in Rising
U need to see the reality of the situation. U need to step back and asked this:
1. Is he intelligent?
2. How does he think?
3. Is he open to risk and adventure?
4. What is his thinking about taking chances in life, acting on his inspiration and moving from a comfortable situation to take a leap of faith and have an expansive adventure?

Soul
I m all the above. But Z is definitely not. So, no surprise he can't overcome his last year Pluto of Five of Clubs.
Anyway, not to judge him since he has lunar and south node in Leo.

Gemini in Rising
Seeing another person's level of faith in the universe and positive outcome as separate from ur own and possibly quite different - gives u the opportunity to relate to him without trying to get him to constantly agree with u or be motivated by the same thing that inspires u.
When u accept what ur partner says is true to him, u can realistically see what inspires him in terms of his own life and relate to him without enmeshment. Then u can tune in to the solutions he is trying to find for himself and use ur gift of logic to help him succeed. In this way, supporting each other's hopes and dreams can become the adventure u share.

Soul
Good point. When I see Z was going for material wealth, I was afraid. Firstly cos my own fear of financial security and secondly I see it contradictory to my goal of self mastery. I can say that I didn't support him and infact project out my fear to him. So, he can see me as hindrance rather than support.
Father, in the end, our dream are truly different.
He focus on outer and me on inner. That's our attraction and that's our down fall.
But the knowledge above will be useful for my next love.

It's an hour past since my call. I m going to sleep now. I m bit surprised no emotional disturbance. I can't control external.