Food is where I safely express...thats why I resist on change of diet

May 26
Just finished my walk. The grass are so green and alive. The trees are so fresh. As I walk I just got one tot in my mind, I forgive myself with Z. It has to happen and it has to take so long for me to get over him. He was my true mirror.

As for Isha leadership. Maybe not my time yet. I don't want to force myself to learn the lesson. What I know is I mend my rship issue with P, C and M. I can see their worth and I no longer take their criticism as personally as before. It took me 4 and half years to accept Sadhguru and Dhynalinga.

Cosmic Love
Trust ur inner experience of the other person rather than what u think u should be experiencing. Just trust ur own instincts and the practical results of ur experiment.

Soul
Learning to.
I should feel blessed on Isha but not yet.
But I now feel grateful to my rship with Z. It was meant to happen. I could not have stopped it. Alas I forgive myself for holding on for so long.

Now reading my North node in Taurus; one of my gift is natural team player. I may have the sensitivity and insecurity  of the north node in Aquarius but I m a team player.

North node in Taurus
Special gifts
Psychological depth - yes
Sensitivity to the circumstances of others. - yes
Eagerness to support others. - yes
A powerful spirit - yes
A natural team player - yes
The potential to create financial abundance - not yet
A willingness to invest in others - yes

Misconception that blocks intimacy.
My rship works when I pour all my energy into supporting the other person - yes
Supporting my partner means getting involved in helping them to make their decision - yes but now lessen bit
I need to be in rship to survive - yes;  not to survive but to make me happy. It is in my Top 5.
I m safer if I ignore my boundaries and give beyond my comfort zone - yes but now learning to pull back
If I reveal my needs, others may not respond in a positive way - yes but now I m learning to reduce my need for validation from others.
It's ok for me to buy what I want now and pay for it later - no cos I have need for financial security. Money in the bank is better than having wants. So I have little wants.
Others don't care enough about me to tune in to where I m coming from - not really. I think its because I m eccentric.

Cosmic Love
North node in Taurus
They cannot experience true intimacy because the natural reciprocal process that can be created when needs are expressed AS THEY ARISE has been circumvented.

Soul
True. Due to my auto control I tend to blocked myself. I suppressed and later explode.
Now I try to express; still delayed by a few days but at least not suppressed totally.

Father, such irony. I tot I m self centred and yet I don't often express my need except in food. In food I m exact in what I want. Guess that's where no one can judge me.

Cosmic love
North node in Taurus
Our true boundaries are not mental construct. They are innate, and are actually felt as an urge within the body that lets us know whether or not we feel comfortable in a particular situation.
For most of us, stretching beyond our "comfort zone" is a requirement for personal and spiritual growth. BUT for Taurus north node people this process is reversed. They tend to feel safer when they discount their own comfort and ignore their boundaries. It may even feel very frightening for them to remain aware of their own comfort zone and to stay within it, but it is through that process, that growth can occur.

Soul
No wonder I had so much resistance on food. Food is where I had personal freedom. Food is where I self expressed freely. To have a change in food means to no freedom. Means death of me. It is not the miss of taste of food. It is the loss of freedom. No wonder a change of diet is a loss of me. No wonder I said food is me cos food is where I can be myself totally.
In other parts of myself I limit my wants but in food I go without limit. That's why even when my body is purging over food, I still ignored cos I cannot let my body curtail my freedom.
Just like today, breakfast should be completed by 7 am cos I need 4 hours break before Surya kriya. But I find it restrictive so I had it by 8 am. I had a cup of coffee and half slice of bread. It is now 9 am and my body is feeling full. Not sure if I can do Surya kriya later.
I guess I was just being recalcitrant cos I have changed my diet. Not willing to be subject to timing restrictions.