Handling my inner Parent - Shadow brother (2)

Apr 29 aft
I cried on my way. Yes, it was my brother living in me. I was mercilessly judgemental on myself. No wonder can't judge others.

I don't want others to lead me and neither do I want to lead others. That's my personality I acquired to protect myself. I can do that if I control myself. But I no longer wants to do that. I want to be whoever I m.

I am a leader and I m a good leader. I have met so many bad leaders and each time I say to myself if I m to lead I can do better. But alas, fear got into the way. Looking back, all my bosses are bad leaders.

My current boss is good leader but just lacked business sense cos her values are for knowledge and not money. For the first time I didn't say I do better cos I can't. But I can support her with my business acumen.

Father, I m sure I want to write. I m sure I want to spread lights to others. I m sure I want to promote Isha. I may not want to manage it but I want to promote it.

Ace of Heart
Desire for affection or love that is the stimulus that causes new rship to be created.
On a deeper level, a search for something inside of our self to help us to love who we are unconditionally.

Soul
Yes. Love myself. Stop judging myself mercilessly.

Late afternoon.
Suddenly I missed Z so much. I wished we are back together. I wanted to call him. My heart is pounding. But then I remembered he won't pick up my call.
Feeling sad again. Want to cry.
He was never into me. This was just an illusion.

Let me love myself.

Transformation
This is a time for deep let go. Allow any pain, sorrow or difficulty just to be there, accepting its "facticity".
It is very much like the experiences of Gautama Buddha when, after years of seeking, he finally give up, knowing there was nothing more that he could do. That very night he become enlightened.
Transformation comes, like death, in its own time. And like death, it takes u from one dimension to the other.

Soul
Yes. The answer is not Z; its not anyone. It is me.
Heart still beating. I miss him so much. My eyes brimming with tears but I can't cry.