A fake..inside I am insecure

Oct 17 eve
Just finished walk. When I reached there, tears just flow. I was sad that actually I m so insecure. So affected by others. I m real fake. On the outside so confident but inside insecure.
Father, the garden is like my oasis, my Sathsang place.
Moments later saw a friend and I quickly dry my eyes. She looked in bad shape. We walk for one and half round. Then I complete the second portion on my own. Just focus on my breathe.

Towards the end I feel the situation on letting go of being a guide now is similar to me dropping the sister company job. Everyone tot I m insane for dropping the bigger pay and better prospect job. But I knew in the end I go back to current company cos my dream is 3 days work.
Now the same. Ultimately I knew what I want is comfort and easy life. I don't want to be a guide or a leader in local Isha. I just want to be a normal meditator.

The adoration of myself by myself is the key. The adoration of others is based on whether i m useful to them or not
Pe adored herself. L knows what she wants.

Tried to arrange a farewell meal. Did asked the farewell gal if she ok we go chinese food. But the others said nope...not caring that I can only eat veg. At first I tot just give in but later assert myself and got negative answer.
Mmm, I took it personally. Firstly they don't know me....what's that to care. They are only asserting their rights just like me.

Got this from Facebook.
Akashic record
You are the answer to someone 's prayer.
Someone needs you.
But here is the thing: if you are not living true to yourself, they won't be able to recognise you.
They need the unique u, however awkward you may be.
Do a favour to them, to yourself and the whole world by honouring yourself.

Soul
Amen.
Yes. I m insecure within. Now that door is finally open I can face it. It can no longer lead me unconsciously.

Adhyatma Upanishad - Osho
Intellect divides everything in two. Intellect is analysis, intellect is discrimination, intellect is division. That's why birth and death is two things to us. Happiness and unhappiness as two separate things. What appears as happiness today, by tomorrow morning can become unhappiness. Love can become hate. Attraction becomes repulsion. Friendship becomes enmity. These are not two things, otherwise change from one to the other is not possible.
One who is alive a moment ago is dead now. So life and death cannot be two separate things, otherwise how could a living man die? How could life turn to death?

Soul
Suddenly a tot came; how could my security turns into insecurity. Aren't they separate?