Be real - acknowledge myself cos I matters

Oct 14 aft
Tot of La Yea, should have answered her calls as she called me 4 times. But yesterday I was truly in bad condition I can't speak to anyone, least of all her.

Wanted to send a note to apologise. But tot better of it. Just observe and let it be.

For a moment mind said its the same as Z avoided me. I was able to counter with an immediate nope. I don't hound; I just wait silently, unknowingly.
La more like S; attacking non stop till they are tired.

Showed Pe the messages from La and she agreed that it was truly attacking.
Pe said that I keep encountering people who demands my attention and I don't want to give.

Soul
Yes especially from parental mode people.
Father, that's my cries. My inner Soul is crying out for attention; crying out that it matters. And just as I can't give  them I can't give myself too.
For now, focus on giving myself.
My North node in Taurus said I m supposed to avoid 'danger'; to go easy way instead of hard way, unlike others nodes.
Just like I force myself to be the guide for the past few years, to be the lead. Alas, door is open and now there is no guilt for leaving.

Got this from FB
Never apologise for what u feel.
It's like saying sorry for being real.

Soul
One thing I admired about parental mode is that they give in to their feelings. They think others are here to receive their feedbacks.
That's something I got to learn.

Sent email to Sr asking him to be main Sathsang guide while I be the back up for him.
Also sent mail to teacher on me pulling out and become the backup. There is one year to find replacement for Sr.

As I drove back I cry and wailed. Its time to make myself matter. I said sorry to S and La. I know they are asserting that they matters but I can't make them feel that cos I myself have not make me matter. They are just my mirror, exaggerated no doubt but still mirror nevertheless. They are seeking attention to the extent of attacking others. Making others wrong in values
Me attacking myself, making myself wrong in values, hence RA.