Learning to express and communicate my negative emotion to others

Oct 21
Woke up around 3 am plus wide awake despite sleeping around 11 plus. I went to bed 10 plus but couldn't sleep cos disturbed about brother and worried about his counter response. Pre-sleep Samyama really works. This would be my 8th time.
While I was disturbed about brother's response. I have no regrets in telling him how I feel. Then a tot came; not easy being straight in relationships.

The great thing is that now I feel fresh for my practices. No more wanting to sleep and feel bit resentful. Now body is wide awake ready for practices. Amen.
Saw brother message but didn't want to read it cos don't want it to affects my practices.
Surya kriya was good. There were tots coming in but I refuse to let them disturb me. An insight came, I have a choice whether to accept my tots or not as my tots are not mine, not real.
Shakti was good with real focus on Kapala Bhakti. Shambavi good too. Towards the end there was exchange of air from guts. Then stillness and peace. While doing my prayer of thanks, giggle came with joy. Amen.

Driving to work just feeling the protection from the trees. Keeping my peace.
Reach breakfast place and read brother's message.
Glad I told my opinion. He replied that not sure why I think its drama and sisters coming over next week. I replied that the fact he asked to keep it a secret is the drama. Anyway, just realised I put in wrong date. So I asked him whether we are still welcome.

Father, from now onwards, say what I feel and think. Only when I do that there is real communication.
I now admit I had bad communication with Z. Knowing of his need for children and avoiding the talk is just plain stupid. I was afraid of his response and hence didn't give my response. Later I was waiting for him also didn't communicate. I m not saying I m at fault. But at least I can now see in our relationship there is no real communication. We both avoided it. Father, thanks for this clarity.

I used to take pride in my communication and even tot I had good communication with Z and hence was devastated when he replaced me immediately and proceed for marriage.
recently I knew about my parameter issue and now today I  can see it was bad communication. Everytime he raised topic on children I would ignored and go quiet. After awhile he stop asking.

Father, so in personal and romantic relationships, we not only need to set parameters, we also need to communicate our parameters and rationale behind it due to our values.

Alas now I understand my this year cards
Pluto in Destiny - Two of Hearts
A major goal for u this year will be to have a successful love relationship or friendship. For this reason, this is the year that u will have to make many changes within ur self in the name of love, friendship or romance.
Whether u are interested in the partner of ur dreams or just good, close friendships, u will have to take a different approach in ur life if u r to be successful in this area.
Love and intimacy requires compromise and cooperation, two of the keynotes for this card of the 'love union'
Ur intense desire for this closeness will cause u to confront some of the parts of urself that tend to keep this intimacy from u.
At times, this may seem very challenging or difficult, but it helps to keep in mind ur reasons for facing this situations - to have more intimacy in ur life.

Pluto - Three of Hearts (learning about what I really want in love and romance by expressing my feelings and being open to new relationships)

Soul
This phrase: Love and intimacy requires compromise and cooperation, two of the keynotes for this card of the 'love union'
At first I rebelled on this cos I tot I compromised loads. But now I know that I don't have cultivate cooperation by not expressing my feelings.

Father, thank you. Everything is coming together. Yea I may had bad stint with Z but he was not the right spiritual partner for me. I will learn. I will set parameters and express my needs and seek mutual compromise and cooperation. Amen.