I am not the right lead..I truly don't enjoy it

Oct 7 eve
Just did Shoonya and Samyama.
Went in deep. These days Samyama is effortless.

On the past, I acknowledged I lost the game. But it not total loss of my life. Life is just a game.

Father, truly I m not the right lead for Isha. When the program ended, I was relieved that it is over. I didnt feel the satisfaction that Pa felt. I feel it is time to step away. The last few months I stepped up but while I stop resisting, I still didn't enjoy it. I did it out of responsibility, out of overcoming my lesson and it was a filler so I don't dwell on sadness over the breakup. It was the same feeling after IE. I don't feel exhilarated; I m just relieved its over and I can go back to my own life.

Now over IE and GP, feels I m done. Now that I have recovered, the rest are growing up, I feel it is time to let go. Anyway, will discuss with Sr. Maybe he can take 2 months and I take 1 month. Need to slowly ease up.

Father, the mind says if you dropped  Sathsang u have to do physical volunteering. I counter, then just don't volunteer la.

Not sure la. Today is Five of Clubs. I just feel restless.

Father, when I write my last letter. My commitment is to my inner partner, my practices. No mention of me playing a role. Father, I just want to be back as meditator. That's all.

I just cried. I cried that I don't want to play lead role. I just want to be meditator. I was just doing a show. I wanted to quit after last IE and infact told the team that I only hold the fort. But got stuck with GP. And now that GP is over. Time for me to start again.
Father, just pulled out. Let Sr be the guide. Yes. By one year later, others would come up.
No need to take turns. I will just  be Sr back up.